{"id":19861,"date":"2023-01-10T17:05:35","date_gmt":"2023-01-11T00:05:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/?p=19861"},"modified":"2023-01-10T17:05:35","modified_gmt":"2023-01-11T00:05:35","slug":"a-compassionate-approach-to-recognizing-trauma-bonding","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/blog\/a-compassionate-approach-to-recognizing-trauma-bonding\/","title":{"rendered":"A Compassionate Approach to Recognizing Trauma Bonding"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The theory of attachment styles became popularized in the last 15 years; now trauma is (finally) getting recognition from the mainstream. But most of us aren\u2019t yet clear about the very deep connection that exists between trauma and certain attachment styles. This is where the concept of \u201ctrauma bonding\u201d comes into play.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What is trauma bonding?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Trauma bonding happens when we get attached to someone who is <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">often<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> neglectful or abusive (physically, emotionally, or psychologically), but is also <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">occasionally<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> kind. When we\u2019re attached to someone like this, we typically explain away their bad behavior, claiming \u201cthey had a hard day\u201d or \u201cit was my fault they got mad at me.\u201d Rationalization offers us a semblance of protection from seeing the reality of the danger and inequality in the relationship.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s common to form a trauma bonding pattern when one of our parents or partners is erratic, abusive, or absent. But<\/span><b> often the template of trauma bonding gets applied to many of our relationships.<\/b><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Signs You Have a Trauma Bond<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re in a trauma bond relationship right now, you may make dramatic or sudden life changes or even great sacrifices for the sake of the relationship to the detriment of outside friendships, family, and your autonomy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Even if the original, harmful relationship is now a thing of the past (e.g., you moved out, you broke up with the manipulative partner, or your former abuser has died), the trauma bonding pattern may remain embedded until you learn how to consciously uproot it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>Signs this trauma bonding template is still present can include:<\/b><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Emotionally caretaking others while your own needs and desires are swept under the rug<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Acting as if you continually need to prove your worth to others (and yourself)<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Avoiding being authentic or open because it feels like too great a risk<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Feeling frustrated, exhausted, hypervigilant, or unsupported in relationships due to perceiving pressure coming from others<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A pattern of feeling disempowered around coworkers, a spouse, or family members<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What Causes Trauma Bonding?<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When we experience stress and feel (consciously or unconsciously) we\u2019re in danger, our sympathetic nervous system activates the \u201cfight or flight\u201d response. As long as that circuitry is activated, we\u2019re not able to plan for the future or assess risks very clearly; our nervous system gets locked in survival mode to get through the stress. In other words, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">it\u2019s not your fault that you can\u2019t see what\u2019s going on.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The challenge is heightened because of the intermittent reinforcement that characterizes trauma bonds: we receive <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">occasional <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">comfort or love in the relationship, which is sprinkled on top of the <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">typical<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> abuse or neglect. Like other forms of intermittent reinforcement, it\u2019s an addictive combination to be exposed to, and one that hampers our ability to understand we\u2019re being mistreated.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Because we focus so intently on the positive reinforcement we experience from time to time with our abuser, we contort ourselves psychologically to try to get the <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">love <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">as often as we can. Once this pattern is established, it is naturally hard to stop engaging it\u2014again, because of the way our nervous system developed. Getting outside support to stop the cycle is an act of strength and wisdom.<\/span><\/p>\n<h2><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Should You Break a Trauma Bond?\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">If you\u2019re in clear and real danger, it is most important to find a way to safely remove yourself from harm. Over the longer term, the best approach is learning to create healthy relational boundaries so as not to form or reform trauma bonds.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Once you start to become aware of the trauma bonding pattern operating in you, you can recognize and address the behaviors it causes. You can uncover and listen to your buried needs and wants, and reclaim your personal power and freedom. Doing this can help you shift your nervous system out of past trauma bonding tendencies and toward new possibilities, including nurturing mutual relationships with people who are interested in your happiness and will support your thriving.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To find out more about healing traumas (including trauma bonding), please <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">check out <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/product.soundstrue.com\/healing-trauma\/?sq=1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Healing Trauma Program<\/span><\/i><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">,<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">hosted by Jeffrey Rutstein, PsyD, CHT.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The theory of attachment styles became popularized in the last 15 years; now trauma is (finally) getting recognition from the mainstream. But most of us aren\u2019t yet clear about the very deep connection that exists between trauma and certain attachment styles. This is where the concept of \u201ctrauma bonding\u201d comes into play. What is trauma [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":19862,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_expiration-date-status":"","_expiration-date":0,"_expiration-date-type":"","_expiration-date-categories":[],"_expiration-date-options":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[392,385],"tags":[53],"contributor":[996],"class_list":["post-19861","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health-and-healing","category-psychology","tag-blog","contributor-jeffrey-rutstein","slider-tags-blog"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>A Compassionate Approach To Recognizing Trauma Bonding<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Find compassionate guidance for healing and resilience. 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