{"id":20052,"date":"2023-04-03T14:51:03","date_gmt":"2023-04-03T20:51:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/?p=20052"},"modified":"2023-04-03T16:08:15","modified_gmt":"2023-04-03T22:08:15","slug":"do-you-really-know-whether-your-partner-understands-what-you-are-saying","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/blog\/do-you-really-know-whether-your-partner-understands-what-you-are-saying\/","title":{"rendered":"Do you really know whether your partner understands what you are saying?"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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Human communication, even on a good day, is really terrible. It really is. We misunderstand each other much of the time.<\/span><\/p>

Do you really know whether your partner understands what you are saying? Does your partner get the nuances or understand the purpose of the words you are using? Do you think they know exactly how you feel about your words or the meaning of the words? When you\u2019re listening to someone, do you think you really understand them? Do you understand their mind? Their context? More often than not, you are approximating each other. You\u2019re getting close.<\/span><\/p>

Most of our communication is implicit, nonverbal. Our verbal communication, which we all love and adore and depend on, is really the culprit. It gets us into a lot of trouble.<\/span><\/p>

When you were dating, I\u2019m sure you were much more careful about the words you used. How careful are you now? Many couples grow sloppy with each other in terms of their verbal communication. They take shortcuts because they think they know each other.<\/span><\/p>

You\u2019re probably taking a lot of shortcuts, assuming your partner understands the meaning of your words, and you\u2019re getting into trouble. Do you even have each other\u2019s attention when you are communicating? Many times, you don\u2019t. You both are busy, you are moving, and your lives are only getting busier. And then you find yourselves saying, as many couples do, \u201cOh, it\u2019s my partner\u2019s problem. They\u2019re not listening.\u201d Right?<\/span><\/p>

When it comes to communication, you both must take responsibility for making sure that your speech is clear and understood by the other person.<\/b> As you will read in this section, just because you say something, doesn\u2019t mean your partner is translating it as you intend. <\/span><\/p>

Here\u2019s an example:<\/span><\/p>

Partner A: I want more intimacy in our relationship.<\/span><\/p>

Partner B: I want that, too!<\/span><\/p>

The problem here is that to Partner A intimacy means \u201cmore sex.\u201d Partner B, on the other hand, thinks that agreeing to intimacy will mean more interpersonal talk. What is more is that sex actually means \u201conly intercourse,\u201d and interpersonal talk specifically means \u201cmore questions about how I\u2019m doing.\u201d That is how we talk to each other\u2014as if the other person knows exactly what we mean. Much of the time, we don\u2019t even know exactly what we mean.<\/span><\/p>

Remember the good old days (of course you don\u2019t) when speech was simpler? We would just say, \u201cDuck!\u201d or \u201cEat!\u201d or \u201cSleep!\u201d or \u201cRun!\u201d or \u201cLion!\u201d Fast forward to today\u2019s linguistic complexities and consider for a moment all the nuances in our talk, all the lingo, all the changing meanings for regular words. Take the word sick, for example. Today it could mean physically ill, mentally ill, disgusting, or amazing. And the language couples use with each other can seem even more confusing. \u201cI want to know you deeply\u201d could mean many different things. \u201cI want you to show me your soul\u201d could make a person\u2019s head spin. \u201cI want you to say what you really feel\u201d can, for some, seem like a trick or an insurmountable task. We use a great many words and phrases that mean a great many things, none of which partners clarify with each other. This is a terrific error.<\/span><\/p>

The human brain is always trying to conserve energy; it does as little as possible until it must. Most people, particularly partners, will treat clarification as unnecessary and, in fact, frustrating. \u201cYou should know what I mean,\u201d a partner might say. \u201cMy meaning is obvious.\u201d Or, \u201cEveryone <\/span>knows what that means.\u201d Both speaker and listener feel persecuted by the chasm between meaning and understanding. Minds misattune, which leads to heightened arousal (faster heartbeat, higher blood pressure), which leads to threat perception, which leads to fight, flight, or freeze.<\/span><\/p>

Rinse and repeat.<\/span><\/p>

Check and Recheck<\/b>
This common and frankly annoying error is easily avoidable by returning to the formality likely present at the beginning of the relationship. Check in with simple, nonthreatening questions or requests:<\/p>