{"id":27155,"date":"2026-09-03T10:30:30","date_gmt":"2026-09-03T16:30:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/?p=27155"},"modified":"2026-09-03T10:32:41","modified_gmt":"2026-09-03T16:32:41","slug":"self-compassion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/blog\/self-compassion\/","title":{"rendered":"Fierce vs. Tender: Kristin Neff on the Two Wings of Self-Compassion"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"27155\" class=\"elementor elementor-27155\" data-elementor-settings=\"[]\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-section-wrap\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-f7c2e7e elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"f7c2e7e\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-row\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-5b30533\" data-id=\"5b30533\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-a9220c0 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"a9220c0\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-text-editor elementor-clearfix\">\n\t\t\t\t<p>Most of us learned that kindness toward ourselves means being gentle. But what happens when gentleness alone isn&#8217;t enough? What happens when the most caring thing we can offer ourselves is to take a stand, draw a line, or walk away?<\/p><p>At Sounds True, we have spent four decades sharing transformative teachings from respected psychologists, spiritual teachers, and thought leaders who help us navigate exactly these questions. Through our digital courses, programs, podcast conversations, and community gatherings, we help bring practical wisdom to seekers looking for greater presence and a more compassionate way of living.<\/p><p>In this piece, we look at Kristin Neff&#8217;s framework for fierce and tender self-compassion and how both can help us build a healthier, more honest relationship with ourselves.<\/p><h2><strong>Key Takeaways:<\/strong><\/h2><ul><li><strong>Two Wings, One Practice:<\/strong> Kristin Neff distinguishes between tender self-compassion and fierce self-compassion, two complementary forms of inner care that work together to strengthen emotional well-being.<\/li><li><strong>Compassion That Creates Change:<\/strong> Self-compassion shapes how we move through decisions, relationships, and difficult moments, giving us the softness to heal and the courage to grow.<\/li><li><strong>Small Steps, Real Shifts:<\/strong> Practical self-compassion exercises and daily habits can build a balanced, sustainable relationship with yourself that holds steady even through hard seasons.<\/li><\/ul><h2><strong>Kristin Neff&#8217;s Two Wings of Self-Compassion<\/strong><\/h2><p>Kristin Neff is a research psychologist and one of the leading voices in the field of self-compassion. Her work helped bring self-compassion into mainstream psychology by demonstrating its connection to emotional resilience, mental health, and how we relate to ourselves under pressure. She describes self-compassion as treating ourselves with the same care and support we would offer a close friend, not as an indulgence, but as a necessary foundation for well-being.<\/p><p>According to Neff, self-compassion has two complementary wings. Tender self-compassion allows us to accept ourselves and acknowledge our pain without judgment. Fierce self-compassion helps us take action when change is needed. One nurtures us, while the other protects us.<\/p><p>Rather than opposing forces, these two forms work together like yin and yang, each one incomplete without the other. A balanced approach allows us to respond to challenges with both acceptance and strength. For those ready to go deeper into this work, our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.soundstrue.com\/collections\/self-compassion\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Self-Compassion collection<\/a> brings together courses and programs designed to support this inner journey.<\/p><p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.soundstrue.com\/collections\/online-courses?configure%5Bfilters%5D=%28NOT%20tags%3ASearchspring-Exclusions%29%20AND%20collections%3Aonline-courses&amp;configure%5BfacetingAfterDistinct%5D=true&amp;configure%5BclickAnalytics%5D=true&amp;refinementList%5Bnamed_tags.data--parent-category%5D%5B0%5D=Self-Compassion\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-26770\" src=\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Meet-Your-Sorrow-with-Kindness.-Learn-Practices-for-Self-Compassion-with-Sounds-True.png\" alt=\"Meet Your Sorrow with Kindness. Learn Practices for Self-Compassion with Sounds True.\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1080\" srcset=\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Meet-Your-Sorrow-with-Kindness.-Learn-Practices-for-Self-Compassion-with-Sounds-True.png 1920w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Meet-Your-Sorrow-with-Kindness.-Learn-Practices-for-Self-Compassion-with-Sounds-True-300x169.png 300w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Meet-Your-Sorrow-with-Kindness.-Learn-Practices-for-Self-Compassion-with-Sounds-True-1024x576.png 1024w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Meet-Your-Sorrow-with-Kindness.-Learn-Practices-for-Self-Compassion-with-Sounds-True-768x432.png 768w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Meet-Your-Sorrow-with-Kindness.-Learn-Practices-for-Self-Compassion-with-Sounds-True-1536x864.png 1536w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Meet-Your-Sorrow-with-Kindness.-Learn-Practices-for-Self-Compassion-with-Sounds-True-800x450.png 800w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\" \/><\/a><\/p><h2><strong>The Yin of Care in Tender Self-Compassion\u00a0<\/strong><\/h2><p>Tender self-compassion is the yin dimension of inner care: receptive, soft, and oriented toward healing. Rather than pushing pain away or adding self-criticism to an already difficult experience, tender compassion asks us to slow down and meet ourselves with warmth.<\/p><p>Consider a moment of genuine struggle. Perhaps you made an error at work, said something you regretted, or felt overwhelmed by the demands of daily life. The instinct for many people is to respond with harsh self-judgment. Tender self-compassion offers a different path, one that says: this is hard, you are human, and you deserve care right now. That shift, from blame to acknowledgment, is where healing begins.<\/p><p>A self-compassion meditation practice is one of the most grounded ways to cultivate this quality. Through mindful awareness, we learn to observe our thoughts and emotions without becoming overtaken by them. Those looking to deepen this practice can find additional teachings through our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.soundstrue.com\/collections\/mindfulness\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Meditation &amp; Mindfulness collection<\/a>, which includes a range of programs centered on compassion, presence, and emotional resilience.<\/p><h2><strong>Fierce Self-Compassion Calls Us to Act<\/strong><\/h2><p>Fierce self-compassion is the yang: the active, outward-moving energy that arises when protection or change is needed. Kristin Neff is clear that compassion is not passive. Sometimes the most caring response we can give ourselves is to say no, set a limit, or make a decision that others might not understand.<\/p><p>Fierce self-compassion might look like this: you&#8217;ve been consistently overworked and dismissed in a professional dynamic. Tender self-compassion helps you process the frustration with care. Fierce self-compassion is what moves you to have the honest conversation or decide to change course entirely. Both arise from the same source and a desire to honor your own worth.<\/p><p>Many people find Kristin Neff&#8217;s fierce self-compassion framework challenging at first because taking action on your own behalf can feel selfish. Neff reframes this entirely: caring for yourself is an expression of compassion.\u00a0<\/p><p>Wise teachers across traditions have spoken to this same truth, and you can connect with many of those voices, including Kristin Neff and Eckhart Tolle, through our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.soundstrue.com\/blogs\/authors\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">All Teachers &amp; Authors<\/a> page, where their teachings on compassion, presence, and personal transformation are within reach.<\/p><p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.soundstrue.com\/collections\/online-courses?configure%5Bfilters%5D=%28NOT%20tags%3ASearchspring-Exclusions%29%20AND%20collections%3Aonline-courses&amp;configure%5BfacetingAfterDistinct%5D=true&amp;configure%5BclickAnalytics%5D=true&amp;refinementList%5Bnamed_tags.data--parent-category%5D%5B0%5D=Meditation\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-26771\" src=\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Center-Yourself-With-Meditative-Teachings-by-Sounds-True.png\" alt=\"Center Yourself With Meditative Teachings by Sounds True\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1080\" srcset=\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Center-Yourself-With-Meditative-Teachings-by-Sounds-True.png 1920w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Center-Yourself-With-Meditative-Teachings-by-Sounds-True-300x169.png 300w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Center-Yourself-With-Meditative-Teachings-by-Sounds-True-1024x576.png 1024w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Center-Yourself-With-Meditative-Teachings-by-Sounds-True-768x432.png 768w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Center-Yourself-With-Meditative-Teachings-by-Sounds-True-1536x864.png 1536w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Center-Yourself-With-Meditative-Teachings-by-Sounds-True-800x450.png 800w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\" \/><\/a><\/p><h2><strong>How to Practice Self-Compassion Every Day<\/strong><\/h2><p>Learning how to practice self-compassion often begins with noticing. Self-compassion exercises don&#8217;t need to be complex. The most grounding practices start with a single pause, a breath, and a question: how would I respond to someone I love in this exact moment?<\/p><h3><strong>Meeting Yourself with Kindness<\/strong><\/h3><p>When the inner critic grows loud, self-compassion invites a shift in tone. Rather than spiraling into blame, pause and name what you&#8217;re experiencing. You might place a hand over your heart, take a slow breath, and acknowledge the difficulty without judgment. Reminding yourself that struggle is part of being human is a simple act of tender self-compassion that can interrupt the cycle of self-criticism before it takes hold. When practiced daily, this daily check-in builds a more stable emotional foundation.<\/p><h3><strong>Setting Boundaries with Fierce Compassion<\/strong><\/h3><p>Fierce self-compassion becomes available whenever you notice resentment, depletion, or a persistent sense of being dismissed. These are often signals that something needs to change. Fierce compassion asks you to take those signals seriously rather than override them out of guilt or obligation.\u00a0<\/p><p>For ongoing conversations that explore these themes with depth and warmth, the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.soundstrue.com\/a\/resources\/podcast\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Insights at the Edge Podcast<\/a> brings together teachers and thinkers who make this kind of inner work practical and accessible.<\/p><p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.soundstrue.com\/collections\/online-courses?configure%5Bfilters%5D=%28NOT%20tags%3ASearchspring-Exclusions%29%20AND%20collections%3Aonline-courses&amp;configure%5BfacetingAfterDistinct%5D=true&amp;configure%5BclickAnalytics%5D=true&amp;refinementList%5Bnamed_tags.data--parent-category%5D%5B0%5D=Psychology\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-26843\" src=\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Uncover-How-Your-Mind-Works-with-Valuable-Resources.png\" alt=\"Uncover How Your Mind Works with Valuable Resources\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1080\" srcset=\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Uncover-How-Your-Mind-Works-with-Valuable-Resources.png 1920w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Uncover-How-Your-Mind-Works-with-Valuable-Resources-300x169.png 300w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Uncover-How-Your-Mind-Works-with-Valuable-Resources-1024x576.png 1024w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Uncover-How-Your-Mind-Works-with-Valuable-Resources-768x432.png 768w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Uncover-How-Your-Mind-Works-with-Valuable-Resources-1536x864.png 1536w, https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/Uncover-How-Your-Mind-Works-with-Valuable-Resources-800x450.png 800w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\" \/><\/a><\/p><h2><strong>Final Thoughts<\/strong><\/h2><p>Self-compassion asks something courageous of us: to stop treating ourselves as exceptions to the care we so freely give others. As Kristin Neff&#8217;s work makes clear, that care has two forms. Tender self-compassion meets us in our pain. Fierce self-compassion moves us through it. Together, these two wings give us the balance to heal, grow, and live with greater honesty and presence.\u00a0<\/p><h2><strong>Frequently Asked Questions About Self-Compassion and Kristin Neff<\/strong><\/h2><h3><strong>What is the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem?<\/strong><\/h3><p>Self-compassion focuses on how we relate to ourselves during moments of struggle or failure, while self-esteem is tied to how we evaluate our worth or abilities. Self-compassion provides support regardless of performance or achievement.<\/p><h3><strong>Can self-compassion improve relationships with others?<\/strong><\/h3><p>Yes. People who practice self-compassion often have greater emotional awareness and are less likely to react defensively. This can lead to healthier communication, stronger boundaries, and more authentic connections.<\/p><h3><strong>Why do some people struggle with self-compassion?<\/strong><\/h3><p>Many people grow up believing that self-criticism is necessary for success or personal growth. As a result, showing kindness to themselves may feel uncomfortable or unfamiliar at first.<\/p><h3><strong>Can self-compassion help with burnout?<\/strong><\/h3><p>Self-compassion can help individuals recognize when they need rest, support, or change. By responding to stress with care rather than self-judgment, people may reduce emotional exhaustion and improve overall well-being.<\/p><h3><strong>How long does it take to develop self-compassion?<\/strong><\/h3><p>Developing self-compassion is an ongoing practice rather than a destination. Small, consistent efforts can gradually shift how a person responds to challenges and setbacks over time.<\/p><h3><strong>Does self-compassion make people less motivated?<\/strong><\/h3><p>Research suggests the opposite. Self-compassion can support motivation by reducing fear of failure and encouraging learning from mistakes instead of becoming stuck in self-criticism.<\/p><h3><strong>What role does mindfulness play in self-compassion?<\/strong><\/h3><p>Mindfulness helps people notice their thoughts and emotions without judgment. This awareness creates the foundation for responding to difficult experiences with compassion rather than avoidance.<\/p><h3><strong>Why has Kristin Neff&#8217;s work on self-compassion become so influential?<\/strong><\/h3><p>Kristin Neff helped bring self-compassion into mainstream psychological research by demonstrating its connection to emotional resilience, mental health, and overall well-being. Her work has helped many people develop a healthier relationship with themselves.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-fbf9e6f elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"fbf9e6f\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-row\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-3804c85\" data-id=\"3804c85\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-61188d5 elementor-widget-divider--view-line elementor-widget elementor-widget-divider\" data-id=\"61188d5\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"divider.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-divider\">\n\t\t\t<span class=\"elementor-divider-separator\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-f9151ba elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"f9151ba\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-row\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-89ec855\" data-id=\"89ec855\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-71685d0 elementor-position-left elementor-vertical-align-top elementor-widget elementor-widget-image-box\" data-id=\"71685d0\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"image-box.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-image-box-wrapper\"><figure class=\"elementor-image-box-img\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"898\" height=\"1306\" src=\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/Amy-Michelle-Photo.png\" class=\"attachment-full size-full\" alt=\"\" \/><\/figure><div class=\"elementor-image-box-content\"><p class=\"elementor-image-box-description\"><b>Michelle Cassandra Johnson<\/b> is an author, activist, spiritual teacher, racial equity consultant, and intuitive healer. She is the author of six books, including <i>Skill in Action<\/i> and <i>Finding Refuge<\/i>. <b>Amy Burtaine<\/b> is a leadership coach and racial equity trainer. With Robin DiAngelo, she is the coauthor of <i>The Facilitator's Guide for White Affinity Groups<\/i>. For more, visit <a href=\"https:\/\/www.michellecjohnson.com\/wisdom-of-the-hive\" target=_blank\">https:\/\/www.michellecjohnson.com\/wisdom-of-the-hive<\/a>.<\/p><\/div><\/div>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-6f9afa6 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"6f9afa6\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-row\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-d86bded\" data-id=\"d86bded\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-fd6acfc elementor-widget elementor-widget-html\" data-id=\"fd6acfc\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"html.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t<script>\r\ndocument.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\", function() {\r\ndocument.querySelectorAll('.progression-studios-blog-excerpt')\r\n.forEach(el => el.remove());\r\n});\r\n<\/script>\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Most of us learned that kindness toward ourselves means being gentle. But what happens when gentleness alone isn&#8217;t enough? What happens when the most caring thing we can offer ourselves is to take a stand, draw a line, or walk away? At Sounds True, we have spent four decades sharing transformative teachings from respected psychologists, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":31,"featured_media":27156,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_expiration-date-status":"","_expiration-date":0,"_expiration-date-type":"","_expiration-date-categories":[],"_expiration-date-options":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[1085,385,381],"tags":[],"contributor":[1157,1156],"class_list":["post-27155","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-personal-growth","category-psychology","category-self-compassion","contributor-amy-burtaine","contributor-michelle-cassandra-johnson","slider-tags-blog"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Self-Compassion: Fierce vs. Tender with Kristin Neff<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" 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