{"id":4269,"date":"2019-04-12T14:47:22","date_gmt":"2019-04-12T20:47:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/manyvoices.soundstrue.com\/?p=4269"},"modified":"2020-04-07T17:45:54","modified_gmt":"2020-04-07T17:45:54","slug":"4-tips-to-get-back-to-secure-attachment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/blog\/4-tips-to-get-back-to-secure-attachment\/","title":{"rendered":"4 Tips to Get Back to Secure Attachment"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"4<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

When we talk about what secure attachment looks like, it\u2019s not\nunusual for people to give themselves a hard time. It seems like such a high\nbar, and when we look at it that way, it\u2019s easy to feel not quite up to snuff.\nI can relate to that feeling, and I think it\u2019s quite normal for everyone to\nfeel that way from time to time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We all have emotional reactions we\u2019re\nnot proud of, and most of us contribute our fair share to arguments and\nunnecessarily difficult conversations. And many of us simply aren\u2019t as present\nas we\u2019d like to be. We don\u2019t feel quite here enough\u2014either we\u2019re distracted by\none thing or another, or we\u2019re not as attentive as we think we should be.\nAgain, all of this is normal. Most of these things happen regularly\u2014at least\nthey do for me! The main point is to care enough to notice when things are less\nthan ideal. That means having enough presence to know that things are a little\noff and enough compassion to want to do a retake, to make things better.\nThere\u2019s more wiggle room than you\u2019d think. It\u2019s okay to goof up, make mistakes,\nand be less than our perfect self. The attachment system is a forgiving system,\nand it makes a world of difference to register when we miss each other and mend\nwhen things go awry as soon as possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We can all do a better job, of\ncourse, and that\u2019s where practice comes in. I want to offer you ways to\npractice fostering secure attachment in yourself and others. These are methods\nfor boosting your secure attachment skills. The idea isn\u2019t to ace every one of\nthese, but pick out one or two that you feel called to work on and practice\nthese the best you can. Hopefully, there are secure attachment skills here for\neveryone\u2014skills you can offer others in your life, skills to practice mutually\nin your relationships, and skills to encourage secure attachment in yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Secure Attachment Skill #1: Listen Deeply<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s start with one of the more obvious skills. We all know\nthe value of listening, but most of us haven\u2019t actually taken the time to\ndevelop our listening skills in any ongoing way. When we listen deeply, reflect\nback to the other person, and ask questions that help us understand them, we\nallow the other person to inform us of what\u2019s going on with them\u2014not in a superficial\nway, but in a manner that empowers them to really dive in, feel their feelings,\nand express them to us until we truly get them. We\u2019re not simply listening\nuntil they take a breath so that we can jump into the conversation and say\nwhat\u2019s on our mind. Listening deeply means that we respond with considerate\nquestions meant to foster and convey understanding, and we always give space\nbefore explaining our perspective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s important to note that when we\nlisten to another person, we don\u2019t have to believe or agree with what they are\nsaying. Really listening to someone means that we don\u2019t immediately respond to\nwhat they\u2019re saying with denial or criticism. Instead of negating their concern\nor getting into an argument about it, we just listen. That\u2019s it. And we can\nopen up the contingency space even further by trying to resonate with them. \u201cI\nunderstand why you\u2019d be upset about that, and I can see that really hurt you,\u201d\nfor example. In other words, listening in this way means you\u2019re offering to\nhold\u2014to contain\u2014whatever it is that they\u2019re dealing with and be present with\nthem, regardless of their emotional responses and reactions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think most of us have this in\ncommon: more than we want to be convinced otherwise or placated, we just really\nwant to be heard on a deep level. That can be hard at times, of course, because\nrelationships can bring up a lot of stuff for us, and it\u2019s natural to have\nchallenges when dealing with other people, especially those closest to us. But\nif we can do our best to listen, we can make the best of difficult situations,\nand we\u2019ll have a much better chance of closing the gap between us and the\nperson we\u2019re listening to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Secure Attachment Skill #2: Practice Presence<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Listening is one of the ways we can show presence, which is one of the most important gifts we can give ourselves and others in relationships. Presence isn\u2019t a static thing; it\u2019s a way of being. Presence means showing up, paying attention, and letting the other person know that we\u2019re there for them with whatever\u2019s going on. It means we do our best to put aside our own worries and concerns and be with them in an undistracted way. This can be hard in today\u2019s world when it\u2019s common to be on our devices so much of the time, but I highly recommend setting your phone or tablet aside when you want to show someone else that you\u2019re truly present for them. Of course, this is impossible to do perfectly all the time, but there are certain things we can do to practice presence in order to become more available to others, as well as to ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Committing to remain undistracted with another person in a world that is so full of distractions is a powerful and fulfilling practice.Try<\/g> it at dinner sometime: put everyone\u2019s silenced cell phone in a basket while you\u2019re enjoying the meal together and see what a difference it makes in your ability to connect. Attention is an extremely valuable commodity, and I recommend as much device-free, face-to-face time as you can manage. People know if you\u2019re fully present or not, and it matters to them. Try being present when you\u2019re on the phone sometime. Instead of doing something else\u2014like surfing the Internet or washing the dishes\u2014sit down and try to be as present and attentive as you possibly can. Give undistracted time to the people who are important to you and watch how that transforms your relationships. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Secure Attachment Skill #3: Attune<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Attunement can mean a lot of things, but in this case<\/g> it means becoming curious about another person\u2019s experience and working to understand what they\u2019re all about, discovering them in new ways and trying to resonate with them. How do they see the world? How do they experience their own feelings? And whatever emotions or situations arise, attunement also means that we do our best to connect with other people and let them know we\u2019re there. Attunement is what enables that sense of contingency to arise. It lets the other person know that we really get them\u2014that we\u2019re<\/g> by their side. This is an invaluable experience to receive and to offer another person.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being dedicated to attunement also keeps us in touch with when we fall out of attunement with others, which is crucial knowledge to have in relationships. We\u2019re oriented toward connection, but we\u2019re also aware when that connection isn\u2019t quite as we\u2019d like it to be. If you feel you are not quite in sync with someone or are concerned that you don\u2019t fully understand their situation or their feelings, ask the person to tell you more about what they are trying to share. Ask caring and clarifying questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Secure Attachment Skill #4: Engage in Joint Attention<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Joint attention means mutually being there for each other, no\nmatter what you\u2019re doing: meditating together, dancing to your favorite song,\ntelling jokes, making meals, or exercising. Any activity can serve to foster\nmore secure attachment with your partner, child, family member, or friend when\nenacted with joint attention. You could be watching a movie on the flat-screen\nfrom your couch and still practice joint attention (for example, occasionally\nmaking eye contact with each other, laughing together, or having a conversation\nlater about the film).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Discover even more secure attachment skills to try in The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting\nIntimate Relationships<\/a> <\/em>by Diane Poole Heller, PhD.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"4<\/figure>
\n

Diane Poole Heller, Ph.D., is an established expert in\nthe field of Child and Adult Attachment Theory and Models, trauma resolution,\nand integrative healing techniques. Diane developed her own signature series on\nAdult Attachment called DARe (Dynamic Attachment Re-patterning experience) also\nknown as SATe (Somatic Attachment Training experience). Dr. Heller began her\nwork with Dr. Peter Levine, founder of SETI (Somatic Experiencing\u00ae Trauma\nInstitute) in 1989. As Senior Faculty for SETI, she taught Somatic\nExperiencing\u00ae trauma work internationally for over 25 years. As a dynamic\nspeaker and teacher, Diane has been featured at prestigious international\nevents and conferences. She is the author of numerous articles in the field.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 Her book Crash\nCourse<\/em>, on auto accident trauma resolution, is used worldwide as a resource\nfor healing a variety of overwhelming life events. Her film, Surviving Columbine<\/em>, produced with\nCherokee Studios, aired on CNN and supported community healing in the aftermath\nof the school shootings. Sounds True recently published Dr. Heller\u2019s audiobook Healing Your Attachment Wounds: How to\nCreate Deep and Lasting Relationships<\/em>, and her book, The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate\nRelationships<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As developer of DARe and\npresident of Trauma Solutions, a psychotherapy training organization, Dr.\nHeller supports the helping community through an array of specialized topics.\nShe maintains a limited private practice in Louisville, Colorado.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>
\n

Buy your copy of The Power of Attachment<\/a> <\/em>at your favorite bookseller!<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Sounds True<\/a> | Amazon<\/a> | Barnes & Noble<\/a> | Indiebound<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When we talk about what secure attachment looks like, it\u2019s not unusual for people to give themselves a hard time. It seems like such a high bar, and when we look at it that way, it\u2019s easy to feel not quite up to snuff. I can relate to that feeling, and I think it\u2019s quite […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":5485,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_expiration-date-status":"","_expiration-date":0,"_expiration-date-type":"","_expiration-date-categories":[],"_expiration-date-options":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[382,391],"tags":[100],"contributor":[464],"class_list":["post-4269","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mindfulness","category-relationships","tag-relationships","contributor-diane-poole-heller"],"yoast_head":"\n4 Tips To Get Back To Secure Attachment | Sounds True<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Here are secure attachment skills you can offer others in your life, skills to practice mutually in your relationships, and skills to encourage secure attachment in yourself.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, 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