{"id":4537,"date":"2019-07-18T16:23:48","date_gmt":"2019-07-18T22:23:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/manyvoices.soundstrue.com\/?p=4537"},"modified":"2020-04-07T16:43:36","modified_gmt":"2020-04-07T16:43:36","slug":"what-causes-reactivity-and-how-to-navigate-it-skillfully-and-mindfully","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/blog\/what-causes-reactivity-and-how-to-navigate-it-skillfully-and-mindfully\/","title":{"rendered":"What Causes Reactivity and How to Navigate it Skillfully and Mindfully"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"What<\/p>\n

Our shadow-bound conditioning shows itself most often through reactivity. When we\u2019re reactive, we\u2019re automatically reverting to and acting out conditioned behavior, usually in ways that are emotionally disproportionate to what\u2019s warranted in a given situation.<\/p>\n

Reactivity is the knee-jerk dramatization of activated shadow material.<\/em> Self-justifying and far from self-reflective, reactivity features a very predictable take on what\u2019s going on, which we proceed with even if we know better.<\/p>\n

The signs of reactivity include:<\/p>\n

An exaggerated attachment to being right.<\/strong> If someone points out this attachment to us when we\u2019re being reactive, it usually only amplifies our righteousness.<\/p>\n

Emotional distortion and\/or overload.<\/strong> More often than not, this behavior gets quite melodramatic. We may use emotional intensity to back up what we\u2019re doing.<\/p>\n

Using the same words and ideas from previous times we\u2019ve been triggered.<\/strong> It\u2019s as if we\u2019re on stage saying our lines as dictated by the same old script. We\u2019re acting and re-acting, even when we know we\u2019re doing so.<\/p>\n

A lack of\u2014or an opposition to\u2014self-reflection.<\/strong> The refusal to step back, even just a bit, from what\u2019s happening fuels the continuation of our reactivity.<\/p>\n

A loss of connection with whomever we\u2019re upset with.<\/strong> Our heart closes.<\/p>\n

A loss of connection with our core.<\/strong> We\u2019re immersed instead in our reactivity.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s an example of how to skillfully\u2014and nonreactively\u2014handle reactivity. Imagine you\u2019re embroiled in a reactive argument with your partner or a close friend. You\u2019re dangerously close to making a decision about your relationship to them that you vaguely sense you\u2019ll later regret, but damned if you\u2019re going to hold back now! After all, don\u2019t you have a right to be heard?<\/p>\n

Things are getting very edgy. Then, rather than continuing your righteous, over-the-top dramatics, you admit to yourself that you\u2019re being reactive. Period. You step back just a bit from all the sound, fury, and pressure to make a decision about your relationship with this person. You\u2019re still churning inside, but the context has shifted. You\u2019re starting to make some space for the reactive you instead of continuing to identify with it. There\u2019s no dissociation here \u2014 just a dose of healthy separation, some degree of holding space for yourself, perhaps even some trace of emerging care for the other person.<\/p>\n

On the outside, you\u2019re slowing down and ceasing to attack the other, saying nothing more than what you\u2019re feeling, without blaming the other for this. You\u2019re starting to allow yourself to be vulnerable with the other. You\u2019re interrupting your own reactivity.<\/em><\/p>\n

Your intuition begins to shine through all the fuss. You start to realize that, while you were being reactive, your voice sounded much like it did when you were seven or eight years old. The same desperation, the same drivenness, the same cadence. You were hurting considerably then and trying to keep your hurt out of sight, because earlier times of expressing it had been met with parental rejection and shaming.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re still on shaky ground, though, and could still easily slip back into your reactive stance. Just one more shaming or otherwise unskillful comment from the other could do the trick. So you soften your jaw and belly, bend your knees slightly, and take five deep breaths, making sure that you count each breath on the exhale. You know from previous experience that these somatic adjustments will help settle you; they are your go-to calming responses for stressful moments.<\/p>\n

As the out-front reality of your reactivity is now in clear sight, you feel shame. Some of this is a beneficial shame, activating your conscience, letting you know that you crossed a line with the other and that a genuine expression of remorse is fitting. You say you\u2019re sorry, with obvious vulnerability. Sadness surfaces in you. You don\u2019t make excuses for your reactivity. Instead, you make your connection with the other more important than being right.<\/p>\n

And a very different kind of shame also arises, one that\u2019s far from beneficial. This shame activates not your conscience but your inner critic (heartlessly negative self-appraisal). It\u2019s aimed not at your behavior but at your very being, taking the form of self-flagellation for having slipped\u2014a self-condemnation that, if allowed to run free, mires you in guilt and keeps you from reconnecting with the other. You acknowledge the presence of this toxic shame, saying to yourself that your inner critic is present. It\u2019s not nearly as strong as it usually is, fading quickly as you name it. You choose to address it in depth later on, outside of the argument you were just having, as part of your ongoing shadow work. Reconnecting with the other is a priority now, and it\u2019s happening, bringing relief and gratitude to you both.<\/p>\n

Excerpted from Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark: Breaking Free from the Hidden Forces That Drive You <\/em>by Robert Augustus Masters.<\/p>\n

\"Robert<\/a>\"\"<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

Robert Augustus Masters, PhD<\/strong>, is an integral psychotherapist, relationship expert, and spiritual teacher whose work blends the psychological and physical with the spiritual, emphasizing embodiment, emotional literacy, and the development of relational maturity. He is the author of thirteen books, including Transformation through Intimacy<\/em> and Spiritual Bypassing<\/em>. For more information, visit robertmasters.com<\/a><\/u>.<\/p>\n

Buy your copy of Bringing Your Shadow Out of the Dark <\/em>at your favorite bookseller!<\/h4>\n

Sounds True<\/a><\/u> | Amazon<\/a><\/u> | Barnes & Noble<\/a><\/u> | Indiebound<\/a><\/u><\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"What<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Our shadow-bound conditioning shows itself most often through reactivity. When we\u2019re reactive, we\u2019re automatically reverting to and acting out conditioned behavior, usually in ways that are emotionally disproportionate to what\u2019s warranted in a given situation. Reactivity is the knee-jerk dramatization of activated shadow material. Self-justifying and far from self-reflective, reactivity features a very predictable take […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":5485,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_expiration-date-status":"","_expiration-date":0,"_expiration-date-type":"","_expiration-date-categories":[],"_expiration-date-options":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[392,385],"tags":[80],"contributor":[518],"class_list":["post-4537","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health-and-healing","category-psychology","tag-mindfulness","contributor-robert-augustus-masters"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Causes Reactivity And How To Navigate It Skillfully And Mindfully<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Reactivity is the knee-jerk dramatization of activated shadow material. 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