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The concept of yin and yang is a perfect metaphor for the energies of self-compassion. Most people are familiar with the circle of yin and yang, black and white halves and a dot of each in between. The yin is the dark energy; it\u2019s supposed to be more feminine, more of a passive energy, more the \u201cbeing with.\u201d And the white\u2060\u2014or yang\u2060\u2014is supposedly the more active energy, the masculine energy, doing things that make a change. But really these energies are not male or female, these energies are in every single person and actually all life forms.<\/p>\n
A lot of these ideas come from Chris Germer\u2014my close colleague, who developed the Mindful Self-Compassion program with me\u2014and the things we have been talking about for a long time. And to give him credit, Chris actually\u2060 came up with the idea that the main domains of yang self-compassion are protecting ourselves, providing ourselves with what we need, and motivating ourselves. What I have been doing with this model is developing each of these ideas in more detail.<\/p>\n
Readers may know there are three basic components of self-compassion:<\/p>\n
And so these three components of kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness take a different form, they feel <\/em>different, and they have a different flavor depending on what form the self-compassion is taking.<\/p>\n For instance, when self-compassion is aimed at protecting ourselves<\/strong>, it feels like fierce, empowered clarity. The kindness<\/strong> is fierce: that\u2019s the Momma Bear, \u201cNo! That is not OK. You will go no further.\u201d Common humanity<\/strong>, that\u2019s that \u201cme too\u201d feeling. We stand together with our brothers and sisters in strength, we are empowered by our connection with others. And then the mindfulness<\/strong> is that real sense of clarity, that \u201cThis is not OK.\u201d So it\u2019s a difference between loving, connected presence, and fierce, empowered clarity.<\/p>\n It feels different when you are providing for yourself<\/strong>, when you\u2019re giving yourself what you truly, authentically need. In this case, the kindness<\/strong> feels very fulfilling and satisfying. When we give ourselves what we need, we feel fulfilled. With common humanity<\/strong>, we recognize that it\u2019s a balanced way; in other words, we don\u2019t just give to ourselves, and we don\u2019t subordinate our needs to those of others, but we\u2019re balanced. Common humanity allows us to balance our needs with others. And then mindfulness<\/strong> gives us a real sense of authenticity: \u201cWhat do I need? Do I even know what I need?\u201d When self-compassion is in full bloom while we are providing for our needs, it manifests as fulfilling, balanced authenticity. Again, it feels very different.<\/p>\n And last, if we\u2019re motivating ourselves<\/strong>, kindness in motivation comes out as encouragement. It\u2019s not kindness when someone needs to be motivated and they\u2019re stuck, to just say, \u201cOh well, that\u2019s fine.\u201d Or to ourselves, if we aren\u2019t feeling happy, to say, \u201cOh, that\u2019s fine.\u201d Kindness<\/strong> means we don\u2019t criticize ourselves; we don\u2019t call ourselves names, but we say \u201cYou can do it! I believe in you!\u201d Kindness is a very encouraging quality. Common humanity<\/strong> kind of sees how things are related to each other. It actually comes from the bigger view of interdependence\u2014the causes and conditions that come together to create our suffering. So, when we motivate ourselves, common humanity actually manifests as wisdom. We can see where we\u2019re stuck, why we\u2019re stuck, what mistakes we made\u2014we kind of understand the bigger picture of what\u2019s happening. And then, mindfulness<\/strong>, in this case, is vision. It gives us the vision to see what we need to change in order to help ourselves. So in this case, kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness feels like encouraging, wise vision.<\/p>\n Let me give an example of this last domain. If you care about yourself and you don\u2019t want to suffer, you\u2019re going to want to make needed changes. You\u2019re going to want to reach your goals. You\u2019re going to want to be your best self. I mean, just like a parent wants that for their child, we want that for ourselves. Also we shouldn\u2019t beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up. Because, again, if we remember that the reason we do it, the reason maybe if you\u2019ve ever been hard on yourself, is because you want to be safe and you want to be happy. And there\u2019s a part of you that thinks maybe this will help. If you\u2019re really harsh on yourself, maybe you\u2019ll pay attention and remember and do something different. It\u2019s natural, but it\u2019s just not very effective, right?<\/p>\n So if you think about it, what voice is more effective? A voice telling you how bad you are, who\u2019s belittling you, who\u2019s really mean? Or a voice that\u2019s encouraging, supportive, “You can do it”? We\u2019re going to listen more to that encouraging and supportive voice. We\u2019re also going to be able to take in what that voice is saying more readily than a voice who\u2019s just shutting us down.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a wisdom element, too. Self-compassion taps into constructive criticism.<\/p>\n What mistakes did I make? <\/em><\/p>\n How can I do it better next time?<\/em><\/p>\n That\u2019s a caring, understanding, compassionate approach. What self-criticism tends to do, is it just gives us not very wise information. Just like, “You\u2019re bad. You did it wrong. Do it better next time.” It doesn\u2019t say what to do differently or how to do it differently. Or it doesn\u2019t see the bigger picture of all the causes and conditions that led to this outcome. That\u2019s actually pretty lousy information. Kindness, on the other hand, yields a kind of wisdom. “Oh, I see. I did this. Maybe I can try this different next time and that would lead to a better effect.” It\u2019s actually much more informational to give wise encouragement as opposed to the belittling name-calling.<\/p>\n Then also, the thing about having the vision. What we know\u2014actually you probably know this from positive psychology, is that negative emotions tend to narrow our focus. It limits what we can see. We only see what we did wrong and how we\u2019re wrong. We can\u2019t actually see possibilities because the negative emotion actually has the function, evolutionarily actually, of narrowing our vision. Positive emotions\u2014kindness, safety, warmth\u2014they have the effect of broadening our perspective so that we can have a larger vision so that we can see the possibilities so that we might get an idea of, “Oh, I can try this. This may really work better for me.” The research we\u2019ve done really backs up that this kind of encouraging, wise voice of compassionate motivation is actually much more effective and more sustainable in motivating ourselves to change.<\/p>\n This is an excerpt from the Insights at the Edge<\/em> podcast episode with Kristin Neff, author of The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion: Cultivating Kindness and Strength in the Face of Difficulty<\/em><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The concept of yin and yang is a perfect metaphor for the energies of self-compassion. Most people are familiar with the circle of yin and yang, black and white halves and a dot of each in between. The yin is the dark energy; it\u2019s supposed to be more feminine, more of a passive energy, more […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":5485,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_expiration-date-status":"","_expiration-date":0,"_expiration-date-type":"","_expiration-date-categories":[],"_expiration-date-options":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[381],"tags":[168,169],"contributor":[421],"class_list":["post-4716","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-self-compassion","tag-kristin-neff","tag-self-compassion","contributor-kristin-neff"],"yoast_head":"\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/manyvoices.soundstrue.com\/manyvoices\/wp-content\/uploads\/kristinneff.jpg\")
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Kristin Neff, PhD<\/a>, is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin and a practitioner in the Insight Meditation tradition. She is the author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. A true pioneer in the field, over 15 years ago she first identified self-compassion as a measurable trait, and now there are over 2000 published studies on its benefits. Kristin is a cofounder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, and gives talks and teaches workshops on self-compassion worldwide. In addition to her research, she has developed an eight\u2011week program to teach self\u2011compassion skills called Mindful Self-Compassion. The program, co\u2011created with her colleague Chris Germer, has been taken by tens of thousands of people worldwide. Kristin and Chris recently co-authored The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, an immediate bestseller. Learn more at self-compassion.org.<\/p>\nListen to The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion today!<\/h4>\n
Sounds True<\/a> | Audible<\/a> | Amazon<\/a><\/h4>\n
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