{"id":9288,"date":"2021-08-31T10:25:49","date_gmt":"2021-08-31T16:25:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/?post_type=transcript&p=9288"},"modified":"2021-08-31T10:25:49","modified_gmt":"2021-08-31T16:25:49","slug":"how-to-have-kids-and-a-life","status":"publish","type":"transcript","link":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Have Kids and a Life"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"image_print\"Print Transcript<\/span><\/a><\/div>

 <\/p>\n

Tami Simon:<\/b> Welcome to <\/span>Insights at the Edge<\/span><\/i> produced by Sounds True. My name is Tami Simon. I\u2019m the founder of Sounds True and I\u2019d love to take a moment to introduce you to the new Sounds True Foundation.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Sounds True Foundation is dedicated to creating a wiser and kinder world by making transformational education widely available. We want everyone to have access to transformational tools such as mindfulness, emotional awareness, and self-compassion, regardless of financial, social, or physical challenges. The Sounds True Foundation is a nonprofit dedicated to providing these transformational tools to communities in need including at risk youth, prisoners, veterans, and those in developing countries. If you\u2019d like to learn more or feel inspired to become a supporter, please visit SoundsTrueFoundation.org.<\/span><\/p>\n

You\u2019re listening to <\/span>Insights at the Edge<\/span><\/i>. Today, my guest is Ericka S\u00f3uter. Ericka has over 20 years of journalism experience and is a nationally recognized voice in parenting news and parenting advice. She\u2019s a frequent contributor on <\/span>Good Morning America<\/span><\/i> and other national broadcast outlets. It\u2019s her job to speak to parents across the country to stay on top of the issues, trends, and controversies that are most affecting new families today.<\/span><\/p>\n

With Sounds True, Ericka has written a new book\u2014and believe me, this book is beautifully written, informative, well-researched, and funny. It\u2019s called <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide<\/span><\/i>. Ericka is a great, sober resource who helps us have a realistic set of expectations on what comes with becoming a new parent and how to navigate so that you keep the integrity of your own soul right at the center of the experience. Here\u2019s my conversation with Ericka S\u00f3uter.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ericka, in your new book, <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life<\/span><\/i>, you write about something that you call the \u201cparenting happiness gap\u201d and I wanted to start there. What is this parenting happiness gap and how is it discovered?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Ericka S\u00f3uter: <\/b>OK. There\u2019s this research done of 22 countries, and they discovered that the parents in the U.S. were the least happy of all the parents in all the countries that they interviewed. It\u2019s this idea that when we become parents we\u2019re supposed to be fulfilled and happy and it\u2019s supposed to complete us in a way that nothing else can. But in reality, for some people, it is actually a source of a lot of conflict, a lot of unhappiness, and a lot of stress. What they found was that while the people they interviewed were grateful to have families and they felt that this was important thing to do with their lives, they were not on a daily basis very happy because of all the stress that being a parent entails or includes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Now, just to share with you and our listeners here, for those people who don\u2019t know me\u2014and, Ericka, you and I are just getting to know each other\u2014I don\u2019t have any children and was never drawn to it.<\/span><\/p>\n

But what\u2019s interesting to me is that I\u2019m on a leadership team with 13 people and a couple of them are moms and what I\u2019ve heard, really, more so in the last five to eight years with people I work with, is women especially being willing to talk about this parenting happiness gap, this confusion of feelings, this whole group of feelings that they have that it\u2019s not just one thing like, \u201cOh my God, I love being a mom.\u201d Why is it only in the last less than a decade, do you think, that these conversations are surfacing?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Well, I think that there has been historically a lot of expectation on how you\u2019re supposed to think of parenthood and how you\u2019re supposed to talk about parenthood. And if you talk about it in any kind of negative way, there\u2019s instant shame or guilt.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember when I became a parent, and I was shocked by the experience. I was never one of those children who played with baby dolls or dreamed of a wedding or played house. My first child was actually the first diaper I\u2019d ever changed. I was so career-driven up until that point, I found the transition to parenthood really hard.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember, I\u2019m still on maternity leave and I went out to dinner with my husband, his boss, and the boss\u2019s wife, and she was like, \u201cHow is new parenthood?\u201d And I was like, \u201cHonestly, it is so hard. I can\u2019t believe people continue to do this. I\u2019m really going crazy. I feel like I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing, and I\u2019m stressed out all the time.\u201d She laughed and gave me some advice.<\/span><\/p>\n

But on the way home, my husband was like, \u201cOh, my God. That was so embarrassing. You sounded ungrateful. We should be so grateful that we have this baby.\u201d I thought there\u2019s just instant shame because I was being honest, because someone asked me a question\u2014and that\u2019s how I\u2019ve led my entire life, with honesty\u2014but there was this instant shame connected with being honest about parenthood or the struggles or the hard times.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that in the last decade, things have evolved because we all have our own platforms. We can talk about our experiences and share our experiences to a larger audience from our home. I think that emboldens people and it also lets us know that other people are feeling the same way.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, it used to be that we had to interact by going out and meeting people at a church group or on the playground or at work or something like that. You can actually interact with people all over the world online and I think that emboldened people and makes people more willing to express themselves and share themselves because they know they\u2019re not alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Now, I\u2019m going to read a quote from the beginning of your book that once again is about this parenting happiness gap, because I have to be honest with you, it floored me. I read it out loud to my wife when I read it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cA 2015 German study found that being a parent actually creates more unhappiness than divorce, unemployment, or even the death of a spouse.\u201d I think it was that last sentence that made me want to fall off my chair, that I don\u2019t think I realized, honestly, that being a parent was that hard for people. Help me understand\u2014when you see something like the results from this German study, how you make sense of it?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Well, I think it\u2019s an issue of expectation versus reality, to be perfectly honest, and I think that before when we\u2019re planning to have children and we\u2019re thinking about having children, we\u2019re thinking about the nuts and bolts of raising a family and getting all the supplies we need and having the perfect nursery and you\u2019re thinking about all these really fun, sweet instances of what it\u2019s going to be like to raise a child. But when you actually have a child and you\u2019re living and working and raising a family, all these other realities come into place.<\/span><\/p>\n

The US makes it very difficult to be a working parent. We have poor paternity and maternity leaves, vacation time is scarce, the sick leave policies in a lot of places aren\u2019t adequate, we have unsubsidized healthcare, all of these things go into being a parent much harder than any of us expect because, again, when we are planning to have a family, we\u2019re not always thinking about \u201cWho\u2019s going to take off if my kid gets the croup or gets sick or needs to go to the doctor? How do I balance my time off? Do I have enough sick time or vacation time stored up?\u201d All those things come into play when you talk about the reality of having a child and that\u2019s what makes this parenting happiness gap so real.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>You talk about in <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life<\/span><\/i> that part of your goal was to help people have a realistic set of expectations for what it\u2019s going to be like. You compare it to knowing that a speed bump is coming up ahead. If you\u2019re unprepared, of course, for the speed bump, you go, \u201cWhoa!\u201d But if you\u2019re prepared, you know to slow down. In that regard, help me understand what the key realities were that you wanted to help people know before they have a child or as they\u2019re in the process of starting their family, \u201cThis is the speed bump you\u2019re going to have to be aware of.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>I think that one of the things when we\u2019re prepping to have families is that we have to be aware of everything, and I think for a lot of us, we are not. We\u2019re told to read books and blogs and articles about how to take care of a child. We buy the best strollers, we buy the best car seats, we make sure we have bottle warmers and sterilizers, and all those kinds of things. We do take maternity leave if we\u2019re granted maternity leave. But we don\u2019t prepare for the transformation that happens to ourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think one of the things that\u2019s really important is that you have a newborn in your house but that\u2019s not the only new person. When you become a mother or a parent, you also become a new person. I think that we\u2019re not prepared enough for that. It\u2019s like a roller coaster. Lots of things change: your career, your relationship with your spouse, your relationship with friends who don\u2019t have kids, and those are things we don\u2019t talk about and those are things we don\u2019t prepare for. When those things hit us, the air is knocked out of us, and it can be hard to cope with. That\u2019s why I wanted to provide a conversation starter.<\/span><\/p>\n

In a lot of the chapters, I give you questions to ask, questions to ask your spouse, things like what do they think about discipline. I found out a lot of parents I talked to, they never talked about what their discipline rules were or how often grandparents visit or how involved grandparents would be or even things like will we allow sleep overs. There are arguments that start over these little kinds of things, and they\u2019re all-important considerations.<\/span><\/p>\n

You have to know what to expect in order to go more smoothly into the process. That\u2019s what I meant by the speed bump. You have to get this information so you know what\u2019s coming so that you can more, it\u2019s not going to be perfect, but that you can more smoothly maneuver into parenthood.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>You introduced this interesting word \u201cmatrescence,\u201d I don\u2019t know if I\u2019m saying it right, but comparing becoming a new mom to a biological whole-body change, like adolescence, but different for the mom experience. What was matrescence like for you?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>It\u2019s so funny. I\u2019ve asked that question a million times and no one\u2019s ever asked me that, so thank you for that.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was very hard because\u2014I know it\u2019s going to sound strange\u2014but I didn\u2019t expect my personal life to change outside of having a kid. I thought my career would pick up where it was; I thought I\u2019d still be able to have some of those professional goals and personal goals that I had before\u2014and there wasn\u2019t the time and there wasn\u2019t the bandwidth for those things.<\/span><\/p>\n

There was that part of matrescence which was learning that my life wasn\u2019t what it used to be, but then also learning how to take care of someone else and understand that human\u2019s needs. I hadn\u2019t been around a lot of babies, and I found it really hard at first and it was just a learning process the whole way. I guess I thought I was more prepared than I was. For me, matrescence meant learning how to accept the new me along with my new baby and then grow into the person I needed to be for both of us.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Now, Ericka, you\u2019re a very successful journalist, writer, having worked on the staff of <\/span>People<\/span><\/i> magazine, other publications, you\u2019re the parenting expert for <\/span>Good Morning America<\/span><\/i>, and here you make the decision you\u2019re going to write a book, <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life<\/span><\/i>, after you have two children of your own. Why did you decide that you wanted to do this? \u201cThis is so important. I want to do it.\u201d And then how did you go about it?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Well, the seeds for this were set years before I actually decided to write the book. I had written an article when I was an editor at CafeMom and it was entitled, \u201cDiscovery of \u2018Mom Gene\u2019 May Explain Why Some of Us Don\u2019t Crave Having Kids.\u201d I was fascinated by this discovery.<\/span><\/p>\n

These researchers at Rockefeller University had found this gene in mice that also human women have. When this gene was suppressed, these mice were not nurturing, they did not show the same kind of maternal instinct that other mice did who had the gene actually activated. I thought, \u201cThis is really interesting. Could this be why some of us find motherhood a little harder or doesn\u2019t come as natural?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I wrote about it, and the reaction I got was amazing. People wrote into me saying, \u201cI feel the same way. I\u2019ve never really been able to express it. I\u2019ve always wondered if I had the mom gene.\u201d That\u2019s what set the seeds for this book. That\u2019s when I knew that there were topics that we weren\u2019t really addressing that were really important for women and people who are thinking about motherhood or people who are already mothers. So, while I was at CafeMom working on those stories it was a really wonderful place to work and meet a lot of women and mothers, and really dive into the whole motherhood experience. But I decided to take a step back and work part time so that I could interview moms across the country, and experts and therapists, and attend mommy meetups and mom conventions, and go to the museum of motherhood, and all of these things, so that I could really dive into this topic and figure out what this book was going to be. It was really like the book developed as I interviewed and met with mothers across the country.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>What surprised you the most about the 125 formal interviews you conducted plus all the mom meetups you went to? What surprised you the most?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>I think what surprised me the most was that so many women didn\u2019t have the support network that they crave. What I mean by that is that a lot of women had mom friends or people who are there to help them, but they still felt alone and struggling. I also spent a chapter focusing on finding the right kind of support. It\u2019s like just because your womb was occupied at the same time as another woman doesn\u2019t mean you guys are going to be besties. There\u2019s a lot more that goes into making a real connection and a profound connection than just having a kid around the same age. I think for me it was sad to meet so many women who still felt so alone or lonely, and that that was really surprising.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>You mentioned that it was this question of, is there something called the mom gene, and do certain women have it? And do certain women like me, maybe\u2014\u201cme\u201d being Tami, but \u201cme\u201d also being Ericka, and maybe other people who are listening\u2014not have the mom gene?\u201d As you dug into this, where are you at with this? Is there such a thing as the mom gene? Is this a genetic reality?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>At first, I wanted to believe that the mom gene was 100 percent the answer I was looking for, that if you can figure out how to activate this gene, you\u2019re going to create one kid who\u2019s going to be the most nurturing person in the world and that this is going to make motherhood easier.<\/span><\/p>\n

But the fact is, is that motherhood\u2014parenthood\u2014is just much more nuanced than that. There are so many other factors beyond biology because when I talked to parents who didn\u2019t have biological children\u2014they have adopted children or they\u2019re taking care of children that family members could not take care of\u2014some of these same issues still came into place. So, no, I do not think that there is.<\/span><\/p>\n

The science, I think, is really interesting. There may be something that the scientists label a mom gene but is it something that determines whether or not you\u2019ll be a good mom? No. Or a good parent? No. Because I think our experiences are so much more nuanced.<\/span><\/p>\n

What I found was that how you were raised, your belief system, where you live, how you communicate with your spouse, what kind of work you do, all of those play a part in how difficult or easy motherhood can be.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Now, Ericka, what I found in reading your book is that not only are you a terrific writer and journalist, but you\u2019re also really like \u201coh my God, I\u2019m going to laugh out loud\u201d funny. I want our listeners to get a sense of the writing that\u2019s inside <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life<\/span><\/i>, and there\u2019s a chapter in the book called \u201cNot Every Woman Has the Mom Gene: What to Really Expect\u2014Being Maternal May Not Come as Naturally as You Expect.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I know you\u2019re not prepared for this, but if you could turn to page 152 and just start reading at the second paragraph and all the way down to the bottom of the page.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Starting with \u201cNot surprisingly?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Yes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES:<\/b> OK. \u201cNot surprisingly, breastfeeding is another emotional touchstone. In the moments leading up to every feeding of Aidan, my second child, I swear I heard the theme music from <\/span>Psycho<\/span><\/i>, knowing that my poor nipple would be gnawed to within an inch of its existence.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/b>It\u2019s supposed to be the most natural thing a woman can do, but studies suggest many women struggle with it. According to a study that included 1,011 mother-and-newborn pairs, about 85 percent of pregnant women intend to breastfeed for at least three months, but only a third actually make it that long.<\/span><\/p>\n

New moms quit for several reasons including worrying the baby\u2019s not getting enough to eat, going back to work, and difficulty even getting the baby to latch. It\u2019s hard not to think, \u201cI\u2019m a failure. I\u2019m terrible at this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Part of the problem is that women feel they cannot express how shitty the experience is without looking like a bad mom. It\u2019s a dilemma many relate to. Becoming a mother made me feel like I was a passenger on that carnival ride that\u2019s been so fast the gravitational force keeps you stuck to the wall. I was scared and uncertain of how I would feel from one moment to the next, and there was an all-consuming anxiety that I was never doing anything well\u2014not mothering, not marriage, and certainly not work.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>I\u2019m telling you. You can just keep reading this book. It goes down so smoothly.<\/span><\/p>\n

On the next page you write, \u201cPerhaps the most important lesson you can take away from this book is that love is innate. Parenting skills are not. They are learned.\u201d Of course, any sentence that begins \u201cPerhaps, the most important lesson you can take away from this book\u201d has my attention. \u201cParenting skills are learned.\u201d What do you feel after all the interviews you did\u2014and of course, your own life as the mother for two children\u2014are the most important parenting skills that people need to pay attention to, the skills they need to learn?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>I have a manifold answer. I feel like number one is being patient with your child and with yourself. There are so many times we\u2019re frustrated, or we feel like something\u2019s not going right, or we don\u2019t know how to fix it; but what we have to do is take a step back and breathe and know that no one is perfect. Everyone is struggling with this. I found that so many mothers didn\u2019t see that. It was hard for them to see other people who are struggling with the same thing. It\u2019s because we often hide that from other people. I want mothers to give themselves a little grace and be patient with themselves and their children.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that the other really important thing is that it\u2019s OK not to love life 100 percent of the time. It\u2019s OK not to love being a parent 100 percent of the time. I think that\u2019s been a big problem for a lot of moms. They feel so guilty when they aren\u2019t happy with how things are going, or they\u2019re disappointed in how things are going; but that\u2019s OK too, because life isn\u2019t perfect and we all make mistakes\u2014even people who seem like they\u2019re the perfect parent with the perfect family, the perfect life. I\u2019ve been in their homes. I\u2019ve talked to them and it\u2019s not perfect. I\u2019m telling you that. It\u2019s really understanding that you\u2019re not alone as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>It\u2019s interesting. Of course, talking to someone who\u2019s conducted 125 interviews, we have these fantasies about people, but you got in there and people told you the real story. You have an insider\u2019s look in a certain way.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Yes. [\u2026] We\u2019re in the age of social media, and so we look at things and we think it\u2019s reality, but it\u2019s not. It\u2019s very surface\u2014we have to remember that when we\u2019re seeing other people or other moms.<\/span><\/p>\n

One of the biggest things that I found that moms do on a daily basis is compare themselves to other moms. \u201cSo and so always look so together,\u201d or \u201cSo and so\u2019s kids are so well behaved and mine are not,\u201d or \u201cSo and so\u2019s husband takes her on these trips and I don\u2019t get to go.\u201d There are all these things that we\u2019re comparing ourselves to. In reality, every single family I talked to had something going on that they were uncomfortable sharing with the world or things that they were struggling with or things that were really hard for them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Actually, that\u2019s probably one of the most important lessons that a new parent (or parent in general) can have, is to understand that everyone is struggling. Everyone has struggles when it comes to parenting and that we\u2019d have to learn every day when we make mistakes or things go wrong or when things go right. We have to learn how to parent based on those experiences and that\u2019s OK, we don\u2019t have to have the answers right away. We can learn as we go along.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Yes. There were a lot of insights that I got from your book <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life<\/span><\/i>, and also, just to see in the title\u2014it means it can be done, right? You\u2019re having two kids and a life. It can be done.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>It can be done. It actually can be\u2014ut you also notice the stork is dropping a bomb, right?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>That\u2019s on the cover of the book in the word \u201cHow.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>It\u2019s in the cover of the book, yes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>The <\/span>O<\/span><\/i> is a little grenade about to \u2026 yes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Yes. It is. It is possible but it takes work. That\u2019s one of the things. In every book, I have a new to do list. It doesn\u2019t miraculously happen. Everything takes work. So you want to have a kid, want to have a life, you want to feel more fulfilled, I\u2019m a big advocate in putting yourself back on top of your to-do list.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that oftentimes parenthood can leave us feeling swallowed up whole like everything that used to make us who we were is just gone now because we don\u2019t have time to focus on those things. But all the research that I found, all the experts I talked to, the scientists, the social workers, the therapists, all of them, what I learned was that if you don\u2019t focus on your own happiness, it has profound effect on your children. Happy parents have happy children. It is a very simple statement and it\u2019s absolutely true.<\/span><\/p>\n

One of the things I learned when I was interviewing moms when they were very unhappy and they felt like, \u201cWell, it\u2019s not about me; it\u2019s about my kids.\u201d But their kids saw how unhappy they were, they saw how just burned out they were. I think a lot of parents think that that doesn\u2019t affect their kids, but it does. That\u2019s one of the reasons I want to advocate having a kid and a life, but it takes work to have that life. We have to do things to put your needs in line or parallel to the needs of the rest of your family.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>It seems like it\u2019s fair to say you have to not take on the martyr archetype, that the martyr is not going to get you to a kid and a life.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>No. Being a martyr is only going to burn you out and make you resentful. You have to do things. I asked a simple question: Do you have any hobbies that have nothing to do with your children? Do you have any interests that you can focus on that aren\u2019t parent-related? Do you still connect socially with people in a non-parenting type situation? Do you have something that you love doing for yourself?<\/span><\/p>\n

It could be taking a pottery class. It could be bowling. I\u2019m not saying you have to climb Mount Everest\u2014although I would love to do that, but I\u2019m not saying you have to do that to be fulfilled\u2014but you have to do something for yourself that\u2019s apart from being a mom to help you feel more fulfilled.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s what I learned from the interviews I did with women. There were some women who felt that being a mother was the thing that completed them and that they didn\u2019t need to do anything else. But many of those women also had social lives apart from their kids where they still did things for themselves even if it wasn\u2019t about having another job, but it was about doing something for themselves on a regular basis so that they felt they also had a life.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>You also emphasized that it\u2019s doing things for yourself and doing things for your marriage, if you\u2019re in an intimate relationship, and you cited some interesting studies that children do so much better when their parents are happy. You write, \u201cPerhaps, it\u2019s time we realized that making our partnerships\u201d\u2014and this is what you wrote\u2014\u201cour top priority\u201d\u2014I thought that was big\u2014\u201cis what\u2019s best for our kids. If our kids benefit from a happy marriage, shouldn\u2019t we put our marriage first?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Yes. I know that\u2019s going to get some reaction. I don\u2019t mean abandoning your kids or only focusing on your partner, but you have to nurture all of your relationships. So many times we focus solely on our children and we neglect that other part of ourselves. I\u2019m not talking about neglecting your partner\u2014because you\u2019re in a partnership for a reason, you get something out of that partnership as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

A lot of moms talked about intimacy going away, like not holding hands or not even hugging in the morning or not really focusing on something going on in each other\u2019s lives or something that\u2019s important to one another because you\u2019re so involved with your children. If you\u2019re in a partnership and your children see that partnership every day, it is important that you nurture that partnership because you want them to feel that love, and you also want to model what kind of relationship that you want them to have later in life.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are a lot of things that go into why nurturing your partnership is important for your needs and your companionship and your intimacy needs but also for your children.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Now, you said yes, even if there\u2019s a bomb in the center, <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life<\/span><\/i>, it can be done but it takes a lot of work. I\u2019m curious to know, for you personally, when you think of \u201cHere, the three biggest things I\u2019ve done in my own life to say, \u2018I\u2019m going to have a kid and a life. This is the work I\u2019ve committed to,\u2019\u201c what are they?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>The three biggest things I\u2019ve done, I have created a village for myself, not just for my children. I feel like I have a support network that helps me through tough times, through loss of a parent, through a tough pregnancy, through changes in jobs, through ups and downs in your marriage. You have to create a supportive network so that you feel that you have someone or some people to lean on and I\u2019ve created that for myself, and I think that\u2019s really important.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not all these people have children. They\u2019re not all mommy friends. Mom friends are incredibly important (I write about that), but it\u2019s also good to nurture relationships with people who don\u2019t have children and I feel like I have done that as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think the other thing is that I loved my career. I love being a writer and I didn\u2019t want to give that up, and sometimes I have to choose; I have to choose what takes priority that day. Is it going to be a soccer game? Or is it doing these interviews I need for this deadline I have for a story that\u2019s due? It\u2019s OK that sometimes I have to choose work over the soccer game. I am there for my children 96.2 percent of the time but when I have a work responsibility, that\u2019s also important to me as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not embarrassed by that anymore. It used to be that I was embarrassed that I would sometimes choose work over some kind of family responsibility but I\u2019m happy when I\u2019m writing. I admit that and I embrace that and so I\u2019ve created a work life for myself that I\u2019m proud of.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think the third is my relationship with my partner, my spouse. We have been married now for 18 years and we\u2019ve grown up together, and maintaining that connection and putting energy and effort into maintaining that connection is important. It\u2019s hard. It\u2019s not easy, especially with all the things we have going on\u2014work, kids, aging parents, that kind of thing\u2014but we make time for each other.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s simple. It\u2019s like asking each other every day, \u201cWhat happened today? Anything crazy happen today? What\u2019s the latest gossip among your friends? Or what crazy thing happened at work?\u201d It\u2019s having conversations, it\u2019s communicating, and caring for one another. Those three things are\u2014I wouldn\u2019t say it\u2019s a perfect balance (there\u2019s never a perfect balance)\u2014but to know when to give to those three things, I feel very proud of, and I feel very happy about.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>The first thing you mentioned\u2014having your own village, not just a village for your kids but for yourself, and that the thing that surprised you the most from the interviews that you did was how alone so many moms felt\u2014how did you go about creating this village? What are your recommendations for someone who\u2019s listening who doesn\u2019t have that?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Yes. Especially in the last year, it\u2019s been really hard for people I think but as the world opens up again it really just involves putting yourself out there. I was always growing up afraid of rejection, and I feel like it took a lot of maturing to not be so afraid of rejection and to feel like I could put myself out there.<\/span><\/p>\n

I would suggest meeting people. I met people at playgrounds, I met people in my apartment building who had kids, I see someone who has a kid around the same age, and I\u2019d say, \u201cHey, do you want to get coffee together and take the kids to the park?\u201d I volunteered at church and at school. I\u2019m not saying I got best friends out of all these incidents. Some of these people I don\u2019t talk to anymore, we just didn\u2019t vibe, we didn\u2019t click, but you have to put yourself out there.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think another really important thing I learned in addition to actually meeting with moms in person\u2014I joined lots of online mom groups, and that connection shocked me because they would reach out in the middle of the night upset about something and just needing a pat on the back or comforting words or encouraging words, and these communities are really strong and sometimes, they\u2019re like, \u201cIs there anyone in the New Jersey area who would like to get together Saturday at the park with the kids?\u201d People would say yes, and they\u2019d go and meet up.<\/span><\/p>\n

Again, it takes effort. It takes time and effort and putting yourself out there. But if you\u2019re lonely, I guarantee you, there are a million other lonely people, parents, who are looking for that same kind of connection. It takes time and it takes effort and you\u2019re going to have to have probably several meetings and interaction with someone to really give them a chance and know whether or not they\u2019re the right fit for you but it\u2019s possible. You just have to do it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>The second point you made was making time and being willing at times to prioritize your work in the world, your deadlines as a writer, and you said that you used to feel\u2014I think you use the word \u201cembarrassed\u201d\u2014about that, that you\u2019re making that a priority. I thought of the person who doesn\u2019t feel embarrassed\u2014they feel guilty. They feel guilty about, let\u2019s just say, how much they love their work, how much it gives them, how fulfilling it is, and that they\u2019re choosing that at times. What would you say to that guilt that someone feels?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>You have to grow into someone who understands that they like their work, and it fulfills an important part of who you are; and if that\u2019s the case, you should be proud of that.<\/span><\/p>\n

I actually talked to a mom\u2014her name\u2019s Gae. She\u2019s in the book. And she is a very high-powered attorney, and she was debating whether or not she should continue working because it\u2019s like, \u201cI feel so guilty. I love my job. I love my work\u2014but am I not seeing my kids enough? Am I not giving them enough of me?\u201d And then one day, her son was like, \u201cMommy, can boys be lawyers too? Because I think your job is so cool.\u201d That made her realize that she is actually creating an amazing example for them, and they were proud of her, and they were happy that she was happy.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes, we beat ourselves up with all these rules of how we\u2019re supposed to be\u2014and how we\u2019re supposed to be as mothers\u2014but the fact of the matter is there\u2019s no one right way to be a good parent. If there was and I figured that out, I would write a book about that and sell a gazillion copies.<\/span><\/p>\n

But what works for you and your family could be different for what works for another family. For Gae, her boys seeing her work and love for what she does, that\u2019s when she realized she was doing the right thing, that she had made the right choice and it was OK to be proud and interested and invested in her career, and her family wasn\u2019t suffering because of it. I think that you have to take a look at what you do and what it gives you and then also what you give your children and know that they\u2019ll be fine and it\u2019s OK for you to want that for yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>I want to read another quote from the book that stunned me and that goes exactly with what you\u2019re saying here. Here\u2019s what you write.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cResearchers say that a mom\u2019s satisfaction with her life is more important to a child\u2019s social and emotional skills than how much money she has, the amount of time she spends with them, or whether she is a working or stay at home mom. The point is your happiness matters.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll just say personally if people get nothing else out of this podcast and have listened to this point, I think really getting this how much our happiness matters and is such a big influence in the lives of the people we touch, our family\u2019s lives. Do you have anything you want to add to that, \u201cYour happiness matters?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>It absolutely does. I think that happiness is going to have a different definition for every mom out there. I talked to moms who did want to go back to work full time or who work crazy hours every week but then they make sure they dedicate all their weekends\u2014or they never miss a recital or play date or a game. You have to figure out what it is that makes you happy.<\/span><\/p>\n

Actually, I have a questionnaire for moms about this. How do you figure out what that is? Because sometimes I talk to a lot of moms who are like, \u201cI know I want something else. I know I need something else. I can\u2019t figure out what that is.\u201d I have a bunch of questions that you should ask yourself to help you weave through this question.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>What kind of questions?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Some of the questions that can help you figure out what it is you want to do: When you were a little girl, what did you want to be when you grew up? What is your dream job? Other than your children and what fulfills you, what do you think you need to be happy? If you never try to reach your goal, how would it feel? What do you think is holding you back? What can you do to get closer to your goal? What was your dream before you had children? If you could divide up your day in any way you wanted, what would it look like? Name three things you do for you and only you. What do you think is your purpose in your family? What is your purpose beyond your family life? What made you most proud before you had kids? What change do you want to see in your life?<\/span><\/p>\n

These questions are to spark a way of thinking about your life and what you\u2019re interested in and what you may need to nurture another part of yourself because, again, the answer is going to be different for everyone. We can\u2019t work toward having this kid and a life without examining what our lives are like now and what we want to change.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>It seems like a lot of us were born into families where our mothers did everything for us and they weren\u2019t concerned with this notion, at least they didn\u2019t speak about it\u2014for many people, I\u2019m just saying, this is a generalization\u2014about having a kid and a life. They were just there for their kids. This is what was modeled for us, and it seems to me that really what you\u2019re describing in some way is a cultural sea change that we\u2019re right in the middle of. I wonder if you see it that way that we can\u2019t mirror necessarily how we were raised depending on who we are, of course, but for many of us, yes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Absolutely. At the start of my interviews for the book, I\u2019d ask people, \u201cWhat was your mom like? Describe your mom.\u201d There were always these glowing adjectives: selfless, beautiful, kind, hardworking\u2014the way we often describe our mothers. Then I asked people to dig a little deeper. I said, \u201cWell, don\u2019t talk about that aspect of your mom, but tell me what do you think she felt like at the end of the day\u2014or what do you think she did when no one was around? How do you think she felt when she finally got to sit down at the end of the day?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The responses were a little bit more nuanced. It was like, \u201cWell, I think she was always tired because she did nothing but work to take care of us,\u201d or \u201cI never really saw her do anything for herself.\u201d One woman said, \u201cMy mom wanted to go back to school, and I remember making her feel so guilty about it that she decided not to do it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

We don\u2019t realize it, but what I was concerned about was that we learned how to function as mothers based on the mothers that we saw growing up. We learn how to mother and nurture based on what we saw. My fear was that we are repeating those patterns of being so selfless that we don\u2019t have time to nurture ourselves. And do we really want that?<\/span><\/p>\n

I ask people, \u201cIf you have daughters, is that what you want for your daughters? Do you want to have children who feel as though their life is not supposed to include anything that makes them feel happy outside of family life? Don\u2019t you want your children to feel more complete or whole and fulfilled?\u201d And the answer, of course, was yes.<\/span><\/p>\n

But yes, we do model what we see and what we learn. I think that\u2019s probably a big problem, is that we learn from the early age that moms are self-sacrificing and love unconditionally, of course, and their main priority and their only priority is taking care of their family\u2014and while taking care of your family is the most important priority you can have, it doesn\u2019t have to be your only one. No. Being happy and fulfilled and being a good mom aren\u2019t mutually exclusive.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>One thing I learned in <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life<\/span><\/i>\u2014I didn\u2019t realize this was going on\u2014is something you described as \u201cmommy wars,\u201d that this war is going on between stay-at-home moms versus working moms. I didn\u2019t realize this. Tell me how you learned about the mommy wars and what you discovered about this and how we make peace.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>The mommy wars have always been characterized as stay-at-home versus working. That\u2019s something that I have read about for years, I\u2019ve written about it before, I\u2019ve talked to a lot of moms about it.<\/span><\/p>\n

But what I find in 21st century parenting is that it\u2019s not just stay-at-home versus working\u2014every point of difference becomes a part of the mommy wars: it\u2019s breast or bottle, it\u2019s all organic or not organic, it\u2019s baby-wearing versus not, it\u2019s helicopter parenting versus a more hands-off approach.<\/span><\/p>\n

What I found is that we\u2019re in this competition\u2014it\u2019s like this mothering Olympics: who\u2019s going to be the best, who\u2019s going to come out on top. And that pits mothers against each other in a lot of circumstances.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was talking to a mom. She joined a mom group, and all the moms made their own organic baby food, and she was thinking, \u201cOh, my God. They\u2019re going to kick me out of this group, or they\u2019re not going to talk to me if I don\u2019t make my own baby food.\u201d She would buy baby food from the grocery store and put it in her home containers so that no one knew that she was feeding her baby store-bought food.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are all these different philosophies, and it pits mothers against each other. I think it\u2019s this idea that if you\u2019re doing something different than I\u2019m doing, then that suggests I\u2019m making the wrong decision. And no one wants to be wrong when it comes to parenting your child.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that the mommy wars have now evolved to include all of these things that people do differently as parents. I don\u2019t understand why we just can\u2019t accept that this person feeds her kid all organic food. I\u2019m going to, once in a while, get my kids some fries from someplace and that\u2019s OK. We can coexist and be fine. Or I don\u2019t breastfeed for a year, and I give my kid a bottle, that\u2019s also OK. I think that the mommy wars continue to exist because we can\u2019t accept people\u2019s different choices when it comes to parenting.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Something I read in <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life<\/span><\/i> that got my attention that I hadn\u2019t really thought about, that I think relates to this, is you write, \u201cNothing will make you more insecure than motherhood and the endless array of choices you have to make in order to give your child the best care possible.\u201d So, if you\u2019re really insecure, it\u2019s more likely that you\u2019ll be in this compare-and-attack because you don\u2019t have your own ground.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wonder if you can talk more about that, this whole notion [that] we can learn from each other, we don\u2019t have to tear each other down because of differences, how women can break out of that comparing mind and, as you say, move more to just an acceptance of difference and feel their own security, feel their own ground.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>We have to start thinking of our motherhood choices as our own choices and someone has their choice but that\u2019s not making a judgment on my own choice. We have to stop looking at ourselves and comparing ourselves. I can\u2019t think of a better way to explain this, but it\u2019s as though just because someone does something different, that doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re saying what you\u2019re doing is wrong, and it doesn\u2019t mean that your child is going to turn out worse or not going to be as healthy or smart or successful later in life. It really boils down to us accepting other people\u2019s choices and they don\u2019t have to mirror our own.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Can you give me an example from your own awareness of yourself of where you had a place where you weren\u2019t accepting other people\u2019s choices and how you came to have a more accepting view?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Yes. One that comes to mind immediately is breastfeeding. Breastfeeding was torturous for me with both children. I just couldn\u2019t understand what was so hard. Not only was it just hard to get them to latch, but I just was also a poor producer of milk. I would pump for an hour and get two ounces. It was torture. But I tried.<\/span><\/p>\n

What I noticed is that when I would meet someone who breastfed for two years, initially I\u2019d be judgmental, like, \u201cWhy would you breastfeed someone who can actually chew steak?\u201d That\u2019s what I was thinking. Or I couldn\u2019t just wrap my head around that choice.<\/span><\/p>\n

I noticed that I was being judgmental, but I was not being judgmental because they were making the wrong choice\u2014I was judgmental because it was something I couldn\u2019t do, and I felt insecure about it. I wanted to breastfeed for longer; it just didn\u2019t work out for me. For whatever reason, my body would not cooperate with what I wanted to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that because I was so insecure about it I made these assumptions in my head. That was definitely something that I\u2019m not proud of feeling that way initially but when I thought about it and reflected about it, it was a person…<\/span><\/p>\n

I was at a yoga retreat, I met a woman who had breastfed, her child was five, and I remember thinking like, \u201cOh, my God, that\u2019s crazy. I can\u2019t believe she did that.\u201d But I\u2019m thinking that because I can\u2019t do it like, \u201cWhy can she do that?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that sometimes our own experiences dictate how we react to things, and we have to step back and be like, \u201cThat works for their family. That\u2019s work for mine. But that works for their family and that\u2019s OK.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Could you recommend, just to tie a little bow on this, for somebody who has a judgement about parent works all the time, or that parent stays home till they\u2019re bored crazy, or that mom does <\/span>X, Y, Z,<\/span><\/i> or your breastfeeding judgment\u2014who knows what they might come up with\u2014how do they work with that skillfully, internally?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>OK. One of the things that you have to do is you have to think about how you want to be treated. You should really think about the way you want to be treated by other people that you interact with. You also have to think about where this judgment comes from. Does it come from a place of insecurity? Are you angry about it because of something that happened to you long ago or something that you\u2019re experiencing right now?<\/span><\/p>\n

I think before you say something mean in your head or even out loud or think something negative about another parent and their parenting choice, you really should think about, number one, how you want to be treated, but also, where\u2019s this coming from? And is this a fair thing for you to do? And what are you getting out of making this snap judgment or nasty comment or not really giving this person the benefit of the doubt? It requires self-reflection, but you\u2019re going to be a lot happier and you\u2019re going to be a better person if you do\u2014if you take that moment for yourself.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Ericka, in your profession as a writer and a journalist, you went to something called the NotMom Summit, a safe space for child-free women, to talk about different choices, different paths. What did you learn going to the NotMom Summit and covering that story?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>I loved going to that summit. It was really fascinating. It was one of the first times where I was hoping that no one knew I was a mom, because everyone was just so happy to be together. It was so much fellowship.<\/span><\/p>\n

What I learned was that people who are child-free, whether by choice or by chance, experienced a lot of hostility from the world. People question their choice not to have children or make them feel as though their lives aren\u2019t complete or they\u2019re excluded from things within their family or their friendship groups because they don\u2019t have kids.<\/span><\/p>\n

It just really bought home for me how we unintentionally can make people feel like other, or not as good, or that their choices are not as valid. And why isn\u2019t that OK? Why isn\u2019t it OK not to have children? Why can\u2019t you be fulfilled by a life without going through the milestones of potty training and teenage acne and getting into college and all those things? Why does that have to be the thing that defines your life or makes you the most fulfilled?<\/span><\/p>\n

Meeting with these women was just really fascinating. There were lots of panels and breakout meetings about living child-free. What was really interesting is that they just wanted to feel that their choice was respected and valid. [\u2026] The first day, I knew I was going to have to write about this because I think it\u2019s a choice that\u2019s not always respected.<\/span><\/p>\n

Even when I was leaving, my husband\u2019s like, \u201cWhy would they have a conference to celebrate that?\u201d This is why. Because we\u2019re asking that question is the reason why they need a conference because it\u2019s OK to celebrate having to make a choice that\u2019s different. Not everyone needs to go to a conference to feel this connection or feel like their choice is valid or needs that validation, but a lot of these women did, and I love being around that supportive network of women.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Just to share personally for a moment, because there\u2019s a point I want to make about it, in my decision to not have children, to be child-free, I know the hardest part was sharing that with my mom and feeling her disappointment that I wouldn\u2019t produce grandchildren for her and that she wouldn\u2019t have that. There\u2019s the sense of disappointing other people that I had to deal with.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think having this acceptance, and this is the point I want to get to here, it\u2019s like no matter what we choose, there\u2019s the part unlived. If we choose to be a stay-at-home mom, there\u2019s something unlived. By being a mom that commits to their professional life, there\u2019s something to grieve, that we\u2019re not getting to do. If we choose not to have children, even if it\u2019s clear to us that that\u2019s our path, there\u2019s something still unlived.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wonder what you think about that, this needing to accept the tradeoffs, [\u2026] this whole idea [that] you can have it all; whenever people say that I\u2019m like, \u201cUh-uh, I can have this, which means I\u2019m not going to have that, and that\u2019s OK. I\u2019m making choices.\u201d I wonder what your senses of that.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>First of all, I think we can just start looking at women\u2019s choices as being OK, whatever choice that they make. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s fair that [\u2026] people who don\u2019t have children judge people with children.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember interviewing some women during the pandemic who felt that the women who didn\u2019t have children were not sympathetic to what they\u2019re going through at home, trying to work with their children around. Sometimes, the vitriol can go both ways. It\u2019s not like any one group is innocent in that.<\/span><\/p>\n

But I think what we need to start doing is being more accepting of people\u2019s choices even when we feel that they go against the grain or they\u2019re not what we would do. Also, we have to know when we make a choice, we have to live with that choice.<\/span><\/p>\n

One woman I interviewed said that she was not going to have children. She and her husband\u2014she joked that they had wrote it into their vows they did not want children. And then her mother gave her so much pressure and kept saying, \u201cWho are you going to spend Christmas with? Who are you going spend the holidays with when you get old?\u201d And then they started wondering, \u201cMaybe we should have kids.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Then I talked to people who have no kids, don\u2019t want kids, and are completely comfortable with that decision. They know that their holidays they\u2019ll be hanging out with their friends who do have kids or maybe with a niece or nephew, and they have come to peace with that decision.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that no matter what your choice is you do have to come to develop a sense of peace about how you\u2019ve chosen to live your life and really embrace that this was the right life for you. I think that\u2019s a hard thing to do for some people but it\u2019s an important thing to do I think as we evolve into our life choices.<\/span><\/p>\n

And you\u2019re right. There\u2019s no way to have it all\u2014I can\u2019t even believe that phrase even exists. No one has it all. No matter what you\u2019ve chosen. I\u2019ve yet to meet a woman on this planet that has it all.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>I think that\u2019s very sobering, just to hear that from you\u2014as someone who\u2019s been to so many of these mom meetups and interviewed so many mothers just to have that myth dispelled.<\/span><\/p>\n

All right, Ericka, as a final question here, our program\u2019s called <\/span>Insights at the Edge,<\/span><\/i> and I\u2019m always curious what someone\u2019s current edge is\u2014you could say their growth edge or learning edge. When it comes to having a kid and a life at the same time, what would you say still is your edge right now? What\u2019s the edge you\u2019re working on?<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>My edge is embracing how I continue to transform. I am constantly changing and constantly growing and constantly learning something new. I didn\u2019t think that that would happen for my entire life. But my work, and also being a parent, being a professional, being a woman, one thing I have learned is that I have to be ready for a transformation and a constant evolution in who I am and what I want and who I need to be. It\u2019s just continuing to change and accept that and grow and just flow with the times. I need to keep it flowing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>I\u2019ve been speaking with Ericka S\u00f3uter. She\u2019s the author of the new book <\/span>How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide<\/span><\/i>, a beautiful book. I think all mothers and parents will be inspired by the research she\u2019s put together that really helps us clarify our own priorities and happiness for ourselves and for our families. Gorgeous book, Ericka. Congratulations.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

ES: <\/b>Thank you, Tami.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Thank you for listening to <\/span>Insights at the Edge<\/span><\/i>. You can read a full transcript of today\u2019s interview at SoundsTrue.com\/Podcast. If you\u2019re interested, hit the Subscribe button in your podcast app. Also, if you feel inspired, head to iTunes and leave <\/span>Insights at the Edge<\/span><\/i> a review. I love getting your feedback, being in connection with you, and learning how we can continue to evolve and improve our program. Working together, I believe we can create a kinder and wiser world. SoundsTrue.com: waking up the world.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"template":"","meta":{"_expiration-date-status":"saved","_expiration-date":0,"_expiration-date-type":"","_expiration-date-categories":[],"_expiration-date-options":[]},"class_list":["post-9288","transcript","type-transcript","status-publish","hentry"],"yoast_head":"\nHow To Have Kids And A Life - Transcript | Sounds True<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Read the full transcript from this Sounds True conversation with How To Have Kids And A Life. Explore teachings on meditation and spiritual wisdom.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How To Have Kids And A Life - Transcript | Sounds True\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Read the full transcript from this Sounds True conversation with How To Have Kids And A Life. Explore teachings on meditation and spiritual wisdom.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Sounds True\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"43 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/\",\"name\":\"How To Have Kids And A Life - Transcript | Sounds True\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2021-08-31T16:25:49+00:00\",\"description\":\"Read the full transcript from this Sounds True conversation with How To Have Kids And A Life. Explore teachings on meditation and spiritual wisdom.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Transcripts\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":3,\"name\":\"How to Have Kids and a Life\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/\",\"name\":\"Sounds True\",\"description\":\"\",\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#organization\"},\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Organization\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#organization\",\"name\":\"Sounds True\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/\",\"logo\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/soundstrue-logo-footer-color.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/soundstrue-logo-footer-color.png\",\"width\":1035,\"height\":235,\"caption\":\"Sounds True\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/\"}}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"How To Have Kids And A Life - Transcript | Sounds True","description":"Read the full transcript from this Sounds True conversation with How To Have Kids And A Life. Explore teachings on meditation and spiritual wisdom.","robots":{"index":"noindex","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"How To Have Kids And A Life - Transcript | Sounds True","og_description":"Read the full transcript from this Sounds True conversation with How To Have Kids And A Life. Explore teachings on meditation and spiritual wisdom.","og_url":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/","og_site_name":"Sounds True","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Est. reading time":"43 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/","url":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/","name":"How To Have Kids And A Life - Transcript | Sounds True","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#website"},"datePublished":"2021-08-31T16:25:49+00:00","description":"Read the full transcript from this Sounds True conversation with How To Have Kids And A Life. Explore teachings on meditation and spiritual wisdom.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/how-to-have-kids-and-a-life\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Transcripts","item":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"How to Have Kids and a Life"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#website","url":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/","name":"Sounds True","description":"","publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#organization"},"potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#organization","name":"Sounds True","url":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/soundstrue-logo-footer-color.png","contentUrl":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/08\/soundstrue-logo-footer-color.png","width":1035,"height":235,"caption":"Sounds True"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/"}}]}},"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/transcript\/9288","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/transcript"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/transcript"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9288"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}