{"id":9456,"date":"2021-10-05T15:10:53","date_gmt":"2021-10-05T21:10:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/?post_type=transcript&p=9456"},"modified":"2021-10-05T15:10:53","modified_gmt":"2021-10-05T21:10:53","slug":"communicating-with-calmfidence","status":"publish","type":"transcript","link":"https:\/\/resources2.soundstrue.com\/transcript\/communicating-with-calmfidence\/","title":{"rendered":"Communicating with ‘Calmfidence"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"image_print\"Print Transcript<\/span><\/a><\/div>

Tami Simon: <\/b>Welcome to <\/span>Insights at the Edge<\/span><\/i>, produced by Sounds True. My name\u2019s Tami Simon. I\u2019m the founder of Sounds True, and I\u2019d love to take a moment to introduce you to the new Sounds True Foundation. The Sounds True Foundation is dedicated to creating a wiser and kinder world by making transformational education widely available. We want everyone to have access to transformational tools such as mindfulness, emotional awareness, and self-compassion, regardless of financial, social, or physical challenges.<\/span><\/p>\n

The Sounds True Foundation is a nonprofit dedicated to providing these transformational tools to communities in need, including at-risk youth, prisoners, veterans, and those in developing countries. If you\u2019d like to learn more or feel inspired to become a supporter, please visit SoundsTrueFoundation.org.<\/span><\/p>\n

You\u2019re listening to <\/span>Insights at the Edge<\/span><\/i>. Today my guest is Patricia Stark. Patricia is a certified personal and executive coach and a certified body language trainer. She heads Patricia Stark Communications and specializes in helping clients build their \u201ccalmfidence\u201d\u2014which is a word that she\u2019s coined, combining \u201ccalm\u201d and \u201cconfidence\u201d\u2014helping clients build their calmfidence in interviews, on camera and in daily life. She has extensive experience as a health and medical news anchor, a radio interview host and appears regularly as a TV guest expert on topics of communication and confidence.<\/span><\/p>\n

Her new book is called <\/span>Calmfidence: How to Trust Yourself, Tame Your Inner Critic, and Shine in Any Spotlight<\/span><\/i>, and it\u2019s being published in September of 2021 with Sounds True. To me, communicating from our truth, from our soul, what we care the most about and being able to connect our communication with other people, it\u2019s so important. It\u2019s the only way we get to be whole people who are bringing our true selves forward. Patricia Stark helps us develop the calmfidence to do so. Here\u2019s my conversation with Patricia Stark.<\/span><\/p>\n

As a way to introduce yourself, Patricia, to the Sounds True audience, I\u2019d love to start with having you share with folks your own winding journey, your own personal path that brought you to be a communications coach and teacher.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Patricia Stark:<\/b> Sure. Well, thank you so much, Tami, first for having me here. I am so thrilled and have so much gratitude to be here with you today. My journey definitely started when I was a young child. I did not have a lot of confidence. I couldn\u2019t raise my hand in class without feeling sweat pour down by my sides and having this out-of-body feeling. Even when I knew the answer and I so much wanted to read out loud in class, my heart would pound. It was debilitating.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remember having to take a friend up to the lunch line with me just because I couldn\u2019t walk up through the cafeteria by myself. I had this for many, many years, even until I went into college. I remember doing my first public speaking project in a business class where I had to get up to the podium and talk about the stock market of all things. I remember I was shaking so much that I couldn\u2019t wait to get behind the podium because then I knew that no one would see my legs and my body shaking so much. I think that I was always someone who was hidden inside this nervous and anxious person, who desperately loved people and wanted to communicate with others, but I just didn\u2019t have that confidence and that belief and that trust in myself at that young age.<\/span><\/p>\n

It really was a process of feeling the fear and putting myself out there and working through it and getting desensitized over time. My first public-speaking teacher was this wonderful woman [\u2026]. She had an amazing personality, and I think that she was really more of a life skills teacher rather than a public speaking teacher. She would help us get through and try to realize that it wasn\u2019t about us, that we were there to give value and be of service and try to help the people that were in front of us, whether it was to educate them or inspire them, entertain them, whatever it may be.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then one day I discovered the broadcasting and communications classes at the college that I went to, and a light bulb went on. I loved all of the behind the scenes and directing and editing and lighting and you name it. But when I would get in front of that camera, it was thrilling and terrifying simultaneously. It was just many years of getting through, working through that fear and finally finding and building that confidence and earning that confidence to know that I had the right to have a voice and to contribute to those around me, but it was definitely a very lengthy process.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS:<\/b> Now, you\u2019ve coined this term \u201ccalmfidence.\u201d I\u2019ll be quite honest with you, Patricia, when I first heard it, I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s a little corny.\u201d Then as I started reading the book, <\/span>Calmfidence<\/span><\/i>, and I started saying it over and over, I noticed it became part of my natural vocabulary and now it\u2019s a word\u2014it\u2019s part of my vocabulary and I really like it. Tell me how you came to coining this term \u201ccalmfidence\u201d?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS:<\/b> It seemed that of all the clients and students that I had over the years, the two things that they had in common, and I talk about this in the book, was that, sure, they wanted to be confident. Everybody wants to communicate with confidence and be confident whether they\u2019re a public speaker or getting in front of the camera or having a difficult conversation over the phone or a job interview. But what they also wanted first and foremost was to find their calm.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because when you\u2019re not calm and you\u2019re agitated and you\u2019re anxious, you really can\u2019t think straight. You can\u2019t access what it is that you want to communicate specifically, and it\u2019s really about how we\u2019re communicating with ourselves internally before we communicate externally.<\/span><\/p>\n

When you\u2019re juggling a million things or there\u2019s something stressful happening in your life, you literally feel like you can\u2019t think straight. Then when it starts happening physiologically and your body starts reacting, we do get that out of body experience, or we feel like we\u2019re blanking out.<\/span><\/p>\n

Everybody really wanted those two things, and it became a marriage of helping people find that calm that would then help them find their confidence. Really, the definition of that for me is what is it that you need to do personally, that may be very individual for you, that helps you to internally trust yourself first so that then you can trust how you\u2019re interacting with people or how you\u2019re communicating outwardly? What do we need to do to establish that self-trust and that feeling of \u201cI\u2019ve got this, I can talk myself off the roof as much as I can get myself worked up and aggravated\u201d?<\/span><\/p>\n

When I first started having the idea for the book, \u201cCalmfidence\u201d was actually the last chapter title. I thought that that was where I was going to have my natural remedies and exercises and mindset examples. Then it dawned on me that no, that\u2019s really what the whole foundation of the whole book was. Then I went back through the manuscript and anywhere where I used the word \u201cconfidence,\u201d I changed to \u201ccalmfidence,\u201d and that ended up being that theme throughout the entire book.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS:<\/b> Now, just to share something personally for a moment, one of the things I have relied on is not so much being some terrific public speaker or interviewer, but being\u2014and this would be the key word\u2014authentic or true or real, something like that. I wonder how that fits in for you, in terms of calmfidence and this inner trust that you\u2019re describing.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS:<\/b> Yes, I think that it\u2019s tremendous, because throughout my career, I have had to read scripts that other people have written. I\u2019ve had to do corporate media where I was maybe the host or spokesperson or you name it, where it was someone else\u2019s product or service. For a long time, I struggled with the fact that in many times it was like acting and I didn\u2019t always feel authentic and genuine and as it was me, because this is our job to take someone else\u2019s words, make them our own and bring them to life.<\/span><\/p>\n

But yes, that is 100 percent part of trusting yourself, is \u201cWhat am I feeling in my gut here? Is this really who I am and what I believe? Does this feel true to what I believe in, my values and my view of the world and what\u2019s important to me? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be in this world every day when I wake up and when I show up?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That may be how you interact with a waiter or waitress. I see some people that get agitated or that are all upset, and they don\u2019t maybe treat somebody well who\u2019s waiting on them in a restaurant, and I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOK, that\u2019s really a sign of what\u2019s going on inside of them.\u201d That doesn\u2019t feel like they\u2019re OK with themselves if they might outwardly treat someone like that in their interpersonal skills. Feeling real, authentic, genuine, and knowing who you are is 100 percent going to affect how you communicate to the world around you.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>With calmfidence, there\u2019s an inner dimension and an outer dimension. I want to talk about both. We\u2019re starting here with the inner dimension, and I think that\u2019s the most important. I\u2019m curious what you think. If someone gets the outer dimension down perfectly, so they\u2019ve got the right look, they\u2019ve got the right clothes, they\u2019ve got their exercise, all that\u2019s there, but the inner dimension isn\u2019t, what do you think will happen as they try to rock their calmfidence in the world?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Well, I think that that\u2019s twofold. Certainly, there\u2019s something to be said for getting your act together, feeling like you look your best, you feel good, to where then you can forget that. You can know everything is as good as it\u2019s going to get, and you\u2019re satisfied with that. Then you just push that out of the way because \u201cnow I no longer have to worry about that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s something to be said for feeling good and presenting yourself to where you\u2019re satisfied that you outwardly are confident. But if that\u2019s all you\u2019re focusing on, and there is this lack of depth, or emptiness, or you haven\u2019t done that inner work, that\u2019s only going to take you so far, and oftentimes that\u2019s where the imposter syndrome will come in because people truly, secretly in the back of their mind know that they haven\u2019t earned the right to be somewhere or haven\u2019t earned the right to have a seat at the table and speak up and voice what they truly believe.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that the internal work has to come first, but the way you look on the outside does have an influence. There\u2019s that whole \u201clook good, feel better\u201d program for people who have gone through cancer treatments and studies have shown that when they get themselves looking better and feel that they\u2019re together again, that that does give them some inner confidence.<\/span><\/p>\n

The two do weave together, but I believe that everything really does first happen within, and then that will come to the out. We\u2019ve all met people that outwardly looked beautiful, and then when you get to know them, suddenly maybe they\u2019re not such a beautiful person. Then we\u2019ve all fallen in love with people that maybe we weren\u2019t initially outwardly attracted to. Then once we hear them speak and we get to know their personality and what\u2019s important to them and their sense of humor and how caring they are, suddenly they\u2019re incredibly likable and attractive to us.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Now, you mentioned, Patricia in your own biography that you were terrified of speaking. You\u2019ve talked about sweaty palms. I think a lot of people find themselves in situations like that, especially when it comes to public speaking. I wanted to start by asking you what you think the root is of that fear? I have two things I\u2019m going to nominate, although I don\u2019t really know. I know you\u2019ve coached more than 2,000 people, and I\u2019m sure many of them have come to you and have been afraid. But OK, here\u2019s my two nominations. We\u2019re really afraid of being humiliated [\u2026], and then we\u2019re really afraid of being rejected. \u201cThe tribe is going to kick me out. I\u2019m going to be exiled and I\u2019m going to starve out there in some mythic tribal space because of the way I appeared publicly.\u201d Are those the two root causes or is there more? Why are we so afraid?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Those are pretty good root causes. I think for some people both of them may be a concern. I think though that it can be very individual. I think that when we grow up, we hear a lot about public speaking fear. We learn from seeing things in television and media and stories, and we hear other people\u2019s horror stories, and we internalize them and visualize them even maybe before we even opened our mouths, or maybe we had a bad experience when we were younger, and kids can be mean and somebody made fun, and we carry that around like luggage and maybe even subconsciously and don\u2019t realize it. Or we just don\u2019t have a strong enough sense of self to where we are at the point where our opinion matters more to us than someone else\u2019s opinion.<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s hard. That\u2019s a hard place to get to, especially when we\u2019re bombarded with social media and there\u2019s so many opinions and there\u2019s a lot of judgment and there\u2019s a lot. There\u2019s a lot that you\u2019re up against when you stick your neck out there and you get into the spotlight.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that before you do that, this internal work on self is what is so important so that you can get to that point where you know why you\u2019re going to stick your neck out, you know why you want to share and communicate with others. I think that you also have to get to the point where you\u2019re not so worried about mistakes because in media, it\u2019s really a very well-known thing that if you worry about mistakes, it\u2019s the very thing that\u2019s going to make a mistake happen.<\/span><\/p>\n

But once you learn, especially like on live television or live on stage that that\u2019s the nature of the beast. No one is a perfect, robotic, scripted person. If you just accept that, mistakes are going to happen, I\u2019m going to be allowed to be human, you can then let it go. But I think when you\u2019re not 100 percent sure of who you are, what your values, what your beliefs are, it\u2019s very easy to get caught up in worrying more about how you\u2019re going to be received by others than really what you know is important to you.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>In writing the book <\/span>Calmfidence<\/span><\/i> and sticking your neck out, so to speak, to use that phrase, what did you identify as your why? Why were you doing it? What kept you at it, kept you going?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>At some point my coaching and training, I realized, became a sacred calling for me. I realized that it was a great responsibility to help others to believe in themselves, to find their voice and to be able to communicate confidently in the way that they first were thinking of things and what a high price they were putting on things, and then how they were going to be able to interact with others.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I started receiving more and more feedback from clients, and they would say things like, \u201cYou changed my life, you changed my self-concept, you made me look at things differently,\u201d or, \u201csee myself differently.\u201d It was shocking to me because when I first started coaching and training, I went through that imposter syndrome as well. I was like, \u201cWhat am I going to do? How am I going to do this? Is this really going to be of value?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Even in the early days of thinking of writing a book\u2014you go through this feeling of \u201cWhy me? Who\u2019s going to listen to me? What do I have to say that could help people?\u201d But after enough feedback comes in to where you realize that you\u2019re making a difference and that you\u2019re helping others live better lives. Once you can communicate confidently internally and then with the external world, your whole world can change. The way that you make a living can change, the way that you work through ups and downs and problems in your life and the different dynamics of the people that we all interact with so many different personalities throughout our days.<\/span><\/p>\n

When you can get to a place where you can feel somewhat more of a sense of control of that. But I don\u2019t want to use the word \u201ccontrol\u201d because there\u2019s so much that we\u2019re not in control of, although we can control how we react to the things that happen to us and the people in our lives. But it\u2019s when you feel this sense of peace of mind within yourself, that you are comfortable with who you are, you\u2019re comfortable around others, you start to be more other focused and less self-focused because now you\u2019ve stopped worrying about yourself and you\u2019re more about making others feel good and connecting with others.<\/span><\/p>\n

My whole world was changed. My entire life changed when I got to that point. If even a small part of what I do can help that with other people, I feel that I have such a wonderful gift that I\u2019ve been given to try to make a difference with the life that I have on this planet.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>In our conversation, I want to bring out some of the most helpful gifts, and there are many that you put in the comprehensive toolbox of ideas in <\/span>Calmfidence<\/span><\/i>, and we\u2019re going to get there and to some of the exercises. One thing I want to point out, you talk towards the beginning of the book\u2014with these more than 2,000 people that you\u2019ve coached and worked with\u2014that many of the people that have come to see you, if not all, have some level of nervousness, have some level of that fear. That\u2019s why they\u2019re coming to you. They need coaching.<\/span><\/p>\n

You write about how nerves make you sharp. They mean that you care. Just because you\u2019re nervous doesn\u2019t mean you won\u2019t do a good job. Lots of people do great things when they do things in spite of their nerves. I thought that was so interesting because I think some have said, \u201cWell, I\u2019m too nervous for that. I\u2019m too nervous to be successful.\u201d Tell me how nerves make us sharp.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Yes. I remember I was at a celebrity baseball tournament where the local television station that I was working at at the time\u2014I was a producer at the time\u2014we were going to be playing some of the local celebrities in the area of the Hudson River where I live. Helen Hayes was one of the people that were attending. She wasn\u2019t playing baseball. She was older at the time. For those that might not know who she was, she was an amazing star of stage and screen for decades, real icon. There\u2019s Broadway venues named after her and a big hospital here.<\/span><\/p>\n

I had the chance to sit down next to her. I was in my early 20s. I said to her, \u201cI just get so nervous still and I\u2019m really trying to work through this; and, unfortunately, I\u2019m working through it in the spotlight and in front of the camera. Sometimes I just don\u2019t know how to deal with it.\u201d\u201c<\/span><\/p>\n

She looked at me and she said, \u201cHoney, if I stop getting nervous, put me in my coffin, because that means I\u2019m done.\u201d I was like, \u201cWhat do you mean? What are you talking about?\u201d She said, \u201cIt means that we care, that we have that fire in our belly, that passion, that life, that we\u2019re not just going through the motions anymore, that we\u2019re just not so over it all.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She said, \u201cIt\u2019s really our job to make the butterflies fly in formation.\u201d That was really my first introduction to \u201cYou know what, maybe I\u2019m labeling this wrong. Maybe I\u2019m running from this thing that doesn\u2019t feel comfortable, and it\u2019s really excruciating sometimes, but what if I thought of it as, \u2018You know what, it\u2019s happening again; this means I get to do this thing that I want to do. I don\u2019t have to be here. I don\u2019t have to get up in front of these people and talk right now. There\u2019s something that\u2019s drawing me to this that\u2019s making me want to be here.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Then I started realizing that that was the same feeling you would get if you were jumping off the high dive or any of these other things that cause this adrenaline rush. I did have this switch flip at one point, that when I started to feel those butterflies and that heart pounding and that out-of-body experience, I was like, \u201cWait, this means it\u2019s showtime. Something exciting is about to happen, and no one\u2019s forcing me to do this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, with that being said, there\u2019s a lot of people that feel that they\u2019re getting forced to do this if they don\u2019t want to have to speak at work or go on that job interview. But the one thing that I\u2019ve absolutely learned over time is that you do get desensitized to it a little bit. I hope I never lose those butterflies and that feeling completely because I see how it does get that adrenaline going. You do think sharper, you do have to try to control it and make it work for you, rather than against you.<\/span><\/p>\n

But when we run from it and we shun it and we don\u2019t want to face it, it can never start working for us. It will always only work against us if we don\u2019t have that courage to just work through those uncomfortable feelings, till we finally get to a point where we can now not have it be so much about ourselves and we can actually use those skills to benefit others.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because if we are going on a job interview, hopefully we\u2019re going there because we want to be good at a job that\u2019s going to be purposeful in some way. If someone has asked us to speak, there\u2019s probably a good reason. They think that we have something that might help others. I think it\u2019s getting to that point of, how can I work through this enough so that then I can get out of my own way?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>OK. But let\u2019s talk to that person who says, \u201cI have all these butterflies and they\u2019re not flying in formation before I stand up and speak. In fact, I\u2019m going to the bathroom first and throwing up and finding myself crunched over, and I\u2019m actually not giving my best presentation either because it\u2019s debilitating, to some degree or another.\u201d How do we, as you say, take control or get the butterflies to be in formation so that we can be effective?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>I had a client recently, that I worked with for almost a year over the phone, and she had enormous speaking anxiety just on the phone with co-workers. It was really something that we had discussed where she, for 20, 25 years had been speaking negatively to herself. She really had this very deep-rooted feeling that she was not of great value, that she was going to always only visualize herself failing and not succeeding because she had a very, very negative self-image.<\/span><\/p>\n

I am not a psychologist and I make that very clear with my clients and with my students. But so much of what we talk about is that self-talk and positive psychology and what is that story that I\u2019m telling myself first? First, I would say to someone, \u201cLet\u2019s really try to unpack this. Where did this come from? Were there moments in your life where someone made fun of you? Did someone make you feel that you were stupid? Did someone make you feel like what you were saying wasn\u2019t going to matter?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Try to work through what have you been carrying around for the last several years or decades that A) might be making you feel this way. Then the next thing that I would suggest would be to try to get your feet wet, in less high-value situations, less of a price on them. Where could you possibly try to speak or get up in front of others, to where you feel it\u2019s a safer environment, a safe space, a place where you\u2019re not going to be judged as much?<\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe that\u2019s just taping yourself on your phone in your room by yourself that nobody else has to ever see. But trying to do things ahead of time, before you get yourself so worked up in that moment that you physically can\u2019t function.<\/span><\/p>\n

So much of what we worked on with her was just really visualizing differently and thinking differently, and then having small wins along the way that then would build up and give her more confidence to speak and hold a meeting. She was one of the ones that I\u2019d gotten a feedback from, that she felt like once she reached that, it did change her life at that point.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>I mentioned that you offer different exercises and lots of tools and checklists. There\u2019s a couple of confidence exercises that I wanted us to do together. One is the snow globe exercise. Let\u2019s start there, and take us through it.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Sure. Everyone knows what a snow globe is. Usually from their childhood where you\u2019d shake it, and all the snow would float around. I\u2019ve used the analogy even of a glass of water with dirt all floating in it. Well, either of those get a chance to settle, you can see everything slowly floating to the bottom. What I like to do with my clients and students when they\u2019re feeling very agitated, and really their mind just feels very filled with so many things, including stress and anxiety and fear, is to close your eyes for just a moment, and picture your mind as that shaken snow globe.<\/span><\/p>\n

Everything\u2019s swirling around, everything is just very filling, filling that globe, just like all of the thoughts, the somewhat 60,000 thoughts that are racing through our mind every day. Just watching in your mind\u2019s eye to see everything slowly settle, as you\u2019re breathing, slowly, you\u2019re taking in that breath and you\u2019re holding it and as you slowly release it, you\u2019re watching everything settle, settle. You can do this very long, or you can just do a shortened version of this, depending on what you\u2019re up against.<\/span><\/p>\n

But as you\u2019re doing this, and you start to feel all of the snow settle to the ground, and it finally is like a fresh fallen blanket of snow, a couple of things start to happen. You\u2019re controlling your breathing; you\u2019re slowing your heart rate. Now, when you\u2019re looking at that clear snow globe, it\u2019s more of a clear mind, and this can help you now start to think straight in the moment now, that you have to go into.<\/span><\/p>\n

A lot of my clients might do this for 30 seconds behind the stage before walking out onto set or to do a public speaking event or they might do it at any different points throughout the day. Really, the beauty of it is that can be a quickie, or it can be a little bit longer depending on what you need to do. But I like this one in particular because it calms both your body and gives you that clarity of mind so that I feel that you can think a little bit straighter and then start to visualize what you want to have go right.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Just to ask you a personal question, Patricia, when you\u2019re preparing personally for an important presentation, let\u2019s say, an important public talk that you\u2019re giving, what\u2019s your special, secret, personal protocol\u2014or preparation hygiene, if you will?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Sure. Also, with one of my other hats I do a lot of health and medical programming and videos a lot of continuing health education for the medical industry. Many times, these are live satellite broadcasts where they hand me medical terminology, and sometimes names of pharmaceutical remedies and products and things that I\u2019ve never heard of before, and sometimes an hour before a live program. It might as well be a foreign language because this medical terminology is made up\u2014especially for some of the names of some of the medications.<\/span><\/p>\n

A couple of the things that I will do is, first, I will remind myself that it is not about me, that I\u2019m there to be of service and to help those that are watching. Then I will repeat what I want to say, over and over again, where I\u2019m seeing it happening only, again, in the way that I want to see it. I won\u2019t visualize flubbing a word or saying things that aren\u2019t correct or stumbling. But what I\u2019ll do is the breathing, [which] is really important for me.<\/span><\/p>\n

I will take a deep breath in, and I\u2019ll think, \u201cBreathe in calm and confidence,\u201d and I\u2019ll hold it, and then I\u2019ll say, \u201cAnd breathe out stress and anxiety,\u201d really slow. My breath out is always much slower than my breath in. But I will go around, where I can be alone, and I will just do that snow globe, I will calm everything down, and I will visualize the broadcast from beginning to end seeing how I want it to have happened, right down to the feedback that I will receive at the end.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then I will remind myself that it\u2019s OK to be human, that I\u2019m not supposed to be some perfect, plastic talking head here, that I am going to be having a one-on-one discussion with someone that I will pick as the viewer through the lens, because I\u2019m not seeing these people in this situation. I\u2019m not seeing them in front of me. I will always pick that they\u2019re allies, that they\u2019re happy to be there with me, that they are eager to learn, and that they want to see things go well, and that they are someone that I can have a discussion and a conversation with as another human being rather than a faceless mass of strangers or an audience that is judging or being overly critical.<\/span><\/p>\n

I do all of that, really leading up to the event in whatever preparation that I can do. I make sure that I can get a good night\u2019s sleep the night before if I can. But a lot of it is trying to control my physiology, control my thought process, being as prepared as possible. Then always and only seeing that I\u2019m speaking with, again, people that are happy to be there, non-judgmental, and that I\u2019m just having a human conversation, and that it doesn\u2019t have to be perfect.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Talking about affecting our physiology in a powerful way, I loved this practice that you introduce in <\/span>Calmfidence<\/span><\/i> called the sack of potatoes relaxation exercise. Take us through the sack of potatoes exercise.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>When I was just starting out in my career, there was a man that worked in the station that I was at, and he was a very loud and bold type of character. He had a lot of stress. There were many, many people that were relying on him for their livelihood.<\/span><\/p>\n

I remembered he would disappear into his office every day for a while and no one was allowed to go near the door, \u201cDon\u2019t knock\u201d\u2014etc. One day I asked him, \u201cJust out of curiosity, are you meditating? What do you do, that you\u2019re going into your office each day?\u201d He said, \u201cWell, you know, there\u2019s a lot of stress on me, and I don\u2019t want to have a heart attack. I don\u2019t want to get sick.\u201d He said, \u201cI do this technique where I go into my office, I shut the light out and I relax into my chair.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

He said, \u201cI pretend that my whole body is a big sack of potatoes, just stuffed with big, big, big potatoes or rocks or you pick.\u201d He said, \u201cI lay back in my chair, and I pretend that I take a pair of mental scissors, and I relax my body as best as I can so that the chair supports me, and [I] cut off the bottom of the sack and visualize each of the potatoes or rocks falling out one by one.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In his mind, whatever the worries or the stresses are of each individual day, he identifies them on to each different individual rock or potato and watches them all roll across the room, until the sack of potatoes, the sack itself, is just like a burlap bag, draped over the chair. He just felt that it emptied that pent-up amount of worry and stress and relaxed his whole body.<\/span><\/p>\n

After about 10 or 15 minutes, he would emerge from the office with this newfound energy and enthusiasm and positivity. He felt that this was what made him not feel like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.<\/span><\/p>\n

I tried it, and lo and behold, it started to work beautifully for me when I was working my way through all of those stress and anxieties that I had myself through my early career. I always found it incredibly effective, and my clients and students all tell me the same. I get great feedback on that one.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>It\u2019s interesting, because, of course, at this point, having founded Sounds True 36 years ago, and having talked to so many different meditation teachers, and having heard so many different meditation practices, I think that the sack of potatoes relaxation technique is up there. It\u2019s one of my favorite on-the-spot techniques that\u2019s so effective and simple.<\/span><\/p>\n

You can really feel it. It\u2019s kind of funny too, just strange to be a big, fat sack like that. It\u2019s fabulous. I love that.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>It\u2019s great. Kids and teens really love that one too, because it\u2019s just fun. It\u2019s so self-explanatory, and just so easy to grasp.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>It\u2019s awesome. OK. Now you have a section of the book that you call \u201cCalmfidence Killers.\u201d These are the things that live in us that work against us in our calmfidence. One of them that got my attention, for good reason, is perfectionism. You\u2019re talking about how it\u2019s not possible to be perfect, but for those of us who have perfectionistic tendencies, we can look back and say, \u201cWell, I should have used this other word. I could have gone in this other direction, I didn\u2019t really land that point very well, this or that happened. I wish I\u2019d done it differently.\u201d How do we work with our own perfectionism, so it doesn\u2019t trip us up so much?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>I think this might resonate with you. Something tells me that you are probably someone like myself, who believes that a growth mindset is really important. I think that when we\u2019re trying so hard to be perfect, it gets in the way of having a growth mindset. Because if we\u2019re perfect, then there\u2019s no more room to grow.<\/span><\/p>\n

I think that wanting to dot our Ts and cross our Is and be organized and strive for excellence, those are all great things. But to look back and \u201cshould have, would have, could have, and oh, if only\u201d does no good. It\u2019s great to reevaluate and help us learn to move forward and say, \u201cOK, I\u2019m going to try this next time.\u201d But when we try to be perfect, it really can make you freeze up or make you not be flexible.<\/span><\/p>\n

I can remember years ago, when I worked at one of the stations that I was at, there was a guy that was one of the audio technicians, and the executive producer of the network would get so frustrated and so angry with this guy because he\u2019d say, \u201cHe\u2019s such a perfectionist that he actually gets in his own way, and things end up taking so much longer, and he\u2019s just so\u2014there\u2019s no room for just good enough.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Because, especially in live television, especially when things are moving fast, especially when things are changing quickly, the ability to be flexible and improvise and have things just be good enough is really important. But when you get hung up on perfect, it can really become a roadblock, it can really just stop the flow. I think that good enough is darn good, and it gives you room for flexibility and a growth mindset.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>When you find yourself reflecting on things, does the kind of self-talk you just took me through as a \u201cI\u2019m going to have a growth mindset,\u201d does that work? Does that release it for you? Or what does?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>It does, and I think that we can all look back on things that we could have done differently or said differently or wish we had done differently. But I really believe that I\u2019m here to develop as a person, to grow, to keep getting better. I hope I keep getting better when I\u2019m in my 100s. I hope that I learn from what didn\u2019t work as much as I love learned from what worked.<\/span><\/p>\n

Books and audio books in personal and professional development helped me also so much in developing my sense of self and liking myself and trusting myself. So many times. And biographies. So many times, I heard over and over and over from people that they learned the most when they failed, they learned the most when they didn\u2019t do things so well and figured out what not to do, rather than not just what to do. I always will remind myself of that and say, \u201cAll right, well, it was a learning experience. If it was something that helped me grow as a person and gain wisdom, gain empathy, learn something that I didn\u2019t know before\u2014because I didn\u2019t know what I didn\u2019t know until I did the wrong thing or made the wrong mistake\u2014I\u2019m better for that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The hardest, toughest times in my life, looking back when things weren\u2019t so great, was when I did grow the most, when I did become who I am now the most, through those processes. I don\u2019t second guess them; I think that everything happens the way that it\u2019s supposed to unfold, and I\u2019m grateful for those.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>You share quite vulnerably in the book, about your own writing process with the book. Here you are, you\u2019re writing a book on calmfidence, you\u2019re the communication expert, and the pandemic starts, and you hit some kind of skid, if you will, or block in your own bringing forward this book, under all of the stress that\u2019s happening. First of all, I want to thank you for sharing that, so vulnerably, and I think it\u2019s important for people to see that even someone who\u2019s been at this for a long time, can hit a rough patch in their own communication. I\u2019d love to know more, how you came through it to deliver such a gorgeous book?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Well, thank you for all that. It was a tough time. It was a tough time for everybody. I talk about in the book that \u201csometimes you have to retreat, so that you can emerge with force.\u201d I don\u2019t know where I heard that saying. I\u2019ve looked for it, I wanted to attribute it to something. I couldn\u2019t find the source of that. This was one of those times where I realized that I needed to do that. I got to a point where, like everyone, I was just trying to protect myself and my family, and it was exhausting, and none of us knew what was going to happen. I think all of our heads were spinning. \u201cYou know what, I got nothing, I got nothing to offer right now. I\u2019m just trying to keep my own head above water. I\u2019m just trying to get through each day.\u201d And I found myself beating myself up over it. Was I not going to meet deadlines? Was this not going to be of good quality? Was this really that important in the scope of things, [when] everybody else was really worrying about surviving in the world?<\/span><\/p>\n

I just said, \u201cThat\u2019s it. I\u2019m just going to cut myself some slack, and I\u2019m going to do nothing.\u201d This was one of the most important times, that I realized in my life that doing nothing was doing something, because after I gave myself that downtime, it was refilling my cup, and after that, when things started to get a little bit more digestible, I started to have something to give again, and some re-found energy, and actually some better insight into how I wanted to approach things that I felt might be important and helpful to people, moving forward, with the book.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then after the summer, and then working with some wonderful editors at Sounds True, and just talking some things out about the book, it was amazing how things beautifully fell into place. One thing that I will tell you also (it\u2019s a vulnerable thing to talk about, because it\u2019s such an intensely individual and personal thing) is\u2014what is all of our individual journey with what we believe in, as far as faith goes, and whether that\u2019s what you call source or universe or God, or whatever that is for your own truth\u2014that was something that is incredibly deep and personal for me. I have an extremely strong connection and relationship to what is my truth with that. I tapped into that, and I asked for guidance and something to come through me, that would be bigger than me, that could help others. There were times that I would write, suddenly, it felt like I was playing the piano, and it just flowed, and it just came. Then when I got some of the edits back months later, I\u2019d look at things and I\u2019d look at my husband, and I go, \u201cI don\u2019t remember writing that. But it came through me from somewhere.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Some people might not buy into that or think that that sounds hokey or weird. But that was what happened for me, and it was wonderful. That\u2019s where a lot of my flow came from.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Let me ask you a question about that, Patricia. How did you tap into that source? What were you doing? Were you praying, or what were you doing?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>I was meditating. I was praying. Praying is a form of meditation, many people feel. But I was definitely going within. When I say that I wasn\u2019t doing anything, I guess that I was doing something. But because there were just many times that I would be 100 percent alone, just really going very internal, going as deep as I could, to trying to tap into a place, and a connection that I could only do alone by myself in silence, and asking for that connection and seeking it and being very open to receiving it. I knew it when I did, and it would flow.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>I\u2019m going to be so bold to say, from my perspective, that the deepest kind of well of calmfidence comes from that connection.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Yes.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>That\u2019s my experience, I think. I\u2019m so glad that, that became the taproot of the book. That\u2019s wonderful. It\u2019s beautiful.<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, I know you\u2019re a body language expert, and I found this part of the book especially interesting. I\u2019ll tell you why. I sometimes think that I have a good\u2014just to be personal for a moment\u2014a good way of using my voice, but when it comes to my body, and especially my face, <\/span>oy vey<\/span><\/i>, I\u2019m not quite sure.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d love to hear more. Let\u2019s just start with something simple, like smiling. Because one thing I\u2019ve found is that when people smile and it\u2019s fake I just can\u2019t stand it. I can\u2019t stand a fake smile. But I\u2019ve been given feedback, and maybe other people have been given feedback, \u201cYou should smile more.\u201d I think, \u201cWell, great. I\u2019d smile more if I felt like smiling.\u201d How do you help people smile more in a genuine way?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>It\u2019s interesting, because if you\u2019re very internal person, and you\u2019re always thinking and processing and thinking, first inside, you\u2019re not always aware of what messages you\u2019re sending externally.<\/span><\/p>\n

A very strong lesson in this for me was I was teaching a workshop one day, and I noticed that one of the women that was sitting up towards the front of the room, had a horrible look on her face. She really looked very dissatisfied and angry and upset, and I\u2019m thinking, \u201cWell, I really need to approach her at lunchtime to find out if she\u2019s dissatisfied with something, is there a problem,\u201d etc.<\/span><\/p>\n

Of course, who ends up running up to me first, during the break to tell me how much she\u2019s learning and how wonderful the day has been? I look at her and I say, \u201cAre you kidding me? This is crazy. I thought that you were so unhappy and so dissatisfied, the way that your face was looking.\u201d She says to me, \u201cOh, well, I\u2019m so sorry. I\u2019ve been told that when I\u2019m really intensely listening, and I\u2019m very interested in something, that I get this terrible look on my face.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I start to chuckle, and I\u2019m thinking, \u201cOh, she\u2019s already been told this, and she hasn\u2019t worked to try to correct it\u201d\u2014not that she needed to, in that situation, because she wasn\u2019t the one that was on; she was the one that was receiving the information.<\/span><\/p>\n

But when we are outwardly interacting with people\u2014we know that you have a beautiful, wonderful communication tool in your voice, and that is the microphone of our body. You use it absolutely wonderfully. I told you that when we first said hello, because I\u2019ve listened to so many of the podcasts. But all of our body language is our toolkit. We need to be more aware of\u2014what is our face saying to others? What is our body language saying to others? Because if we want to be a great communicator and have great interpersonal skills, we want others to feel comfortable around us. If we\u2019re doing things that we\u2019re not aware of that might be making other people feel uncomfortable or guarded or not wanting to necessarily open up to us and be around us, we need to investigate that, and we need to have a little bit more understanding of all of our tools.<\/span><\/p>\n

It would be like, your plumber\u2019s showing up with his toolbox and he\u2019s got the ones he\u2019s really good at, and he\u2019s like, \u201cWell, there\u2019s this box of tools here, and I don\u2019t know how to use them\u201d\u2014he wouldn\u2019t be a great plumber. So, we would expect that we need to learn about all of these things, and that\u2019s why I videotape people a lot when I\u2019m training them, so that they can get that self-awareness and understand, \u201cWow, I thought that I was smiling.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

What I would say, as far as the smile that you started off the question with, is that if it\u2019s going to be a put-on, then don\u2019t even bother, because\u2014you\u2019re right\u2014it sends the wrong message; it\u2019s phony, it\u2019s a turn-off, it\u2019s a fake. But that\u2019s when again, we have to go inside and\u2014what is that self-talk? What is that story that we\u2019re telling ourselves? Is it, \u201cAm I genuinely happy to be here? Am I glad to have this opportunity to communicate and to be among these people?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes we have to check that before we walk into a communication situation so that we can be that self-aware of what our face and our body language is going to say to others. When we start being aware of that, then we start also noticing other people\u2019s facial expressions and body language. It\u2019s not being a mind reader; it should lead us to ask them how they\u2019re feeling and have more lines of communication open.<\/span><\/p>\n

But certainly, we might not be somebody that grew up smiling a lot\u2014or I\u2019ve worked with people that were taught that smiling was a sign of weakness, or that it was silly. But then we have to then again, reflect and say, OK, what is my goal for this communication situation? How do I want the people around me to feel? And maybe a smile isn\u2019t appropriate for that situation; maybe it\u2019s a more serious situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

But if it\u2019s a place where you\u2019re building rapport, and you want others to feel comfortable around you, then at the very least, start with a smile that can just say, \u201cHey, I\u2019m happy to be here with you today.\u201d Just as long as the corners of your mouth are turned up a little bit to let people know that you\u2019re glad to be among them, I\u2019d say that\u2019s a pretty good start.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>OK, beyond smiling, what other ways can someone be aware of their face if their goal is to be connected, warm, coming across well, bright, alive, interested and natural? What are the self-awarenesses one needs to have about their face?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Well, on camera, we call it active listening. The best example I could give you is, let\u2019s say that you were doing your podcast on television, and there were two cameras on your guest, and then the camera that was going to be on you. A good director wouldn\u2019t just have the camera on the guest the whole time. They would go back and forth to you, even when you\u2019re not saying anything, for something called reaction shots, so that they can break up the camera angles, show that you\u2019re fully on board, and that you\u2019re actively listening, and that you are in the moment with your guest, that you\u2019re not just looking ahead at what your next questions are going to be, that you\u2019re not disengaged, etc.<\/span><\/p>\n

When we give the greatest gift that we can give anybody\u2014of our full attention\u2014and we want them to know they\u2019ve got our full attention, we do that with smiling, with our eye contact, with active listening. I\u2019ve had guests come up to me at the end of interviews and say, \u201cYou actually helped me through that interview with your facial expressions.\u201d I\u2019ll say to them, \u201cWell, what do you mean?\u201d They\u2019ll be like, \u201cWell, your head nods and the way that you use your eyebrows and the way that you looked at me and the way that you smiled at different moments, I knew that you were digesting what I was giving you, I knew that you understood my points, I knew that you were really listening to me and not just going through the motions.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s some of the greatest feedback that I could ever hope for after doing an interview with someone. So, make sure you\u2019re fully present, really engaged. Really, you\u2019re helping the other person communicate, and you\u2019re letting them know that they\u2019ve got your full attention. When your facial expressions give them that feedback that you are understanding and that you are with them with everything that they\u2019re saying and trying to explain to you.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Now, you also offer some facial relaxation exercises. I wonder if you can share one of those with us.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Yes. Well, when we are doing a lot of talking or a lot of interacting, whether it\u2019s at an event or a job interview or a family function, whatever it may be, sometimes people get a lot of tension in their jaws, or if they\u2019ve been trying to smile, your cheeks can start to hurt. Going into an event or an interview or somewhere where you\u2019re going to be using your nonverbals a lot, you want to try to relax those 40 facial muscles ahead of time.<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s a great one called pumpkin raisin, where you suck in your lips, like you\u2019re sucking on a raisin or you just ate a sour lemon, and you squeeze it, squeeze it in, and then you push it out like a blowfish or a pumpkin, and you really extend your cheeks. That\u2019s why it\u2019s called pumpkin raisin. You do this several times, and that will relax those facial muscles and get that all working.<\/span><\/p>\n

A lot of actors will just widen their mouth, open up their mouth along with the pumpkin raisin. That just gets the juices flowing, loosens up that jaw, and gets you so that you… It\u2019s almost like warming up before you do a workout. Because sometimes communicating and interpersonal skills can feel like a workout, depending on how long the event or the interaction is that we have. It\u2019s something you can do afterwards to try and relax your face.<\/span><\/p>\n

You can also hang your head over and just let your face feel like it\u2019s drooping, kind of like a basset hound and let all the blood flow into it. Then put your head back up and just let it all relax and just let your face go deadpan.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>You mentioned earlier in our conversation, Patricia, natural remedies that are related to calmfidence. I think most people think, \u201cOK, there\u2019s the inside part, there\u2019s the outside part, I want to have the right clothes that make me feel good. But natural remedies?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Yes. Who doesn\u2019t like a magic bullet? Who doesn\u2019t like something they can have up their sleeve, that they can feel like it\u2019s something I can take to change how I\u2019m feeling or to make me feel a little bit more calm or a little less stressed out? Nature really is our friend. I had one client come to me, and she was very stressed out, and she said, \u201cCan I take half an Adderall and a half a Xanax so that I\u2019m really focused and really chill at the same time?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I was like, \u201cWell, I\u2019m not a doctor, I don\u2019t want to tell you what you should and shouldn\u2019t do.\u201d I said, \u201cBut you want to be fully present, you don\u2019t want to be zoned out.\u201d I\u2019ve had other clients that will take a glass of wine before something and then they spend the rest of the time trying to clear their head before they have to speak.<\/span><\/p>\n

Those things don\u2019t always serve us well. It\u2019s a different story if you\u2019re someone who really suffers from extreme anxiety, and you have to take a beta blocker or you have to take something that a doctor recommends. That\u2019s all fine and good, and that\u2019s something to talk to a doctor about. But there are different foods, and there\u2019s something wonderful called lemon balm that someone told me about many years ago. She was going through cancer treatments, and she was getting very, very anxious. Her doctor told her about it. He\u2019s like, \u201cRather than taking something that\u2019s prescription,\u201d he said, \u201cTry this, and sometimes it just takes the edge off.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She had success with it. So, I went out and I bought some. Just a little tincture, you put it under your tongue, like the way you might take echinacea or something like that. I found that it did take the edge off almost the way that maybe a half a glass of wine might have at one time. I noticed that it was working for me. Then if I was working late into a night on a job and I wanted to sleep in a chair for 40 minutes, and power sleep, I found that it was useful for that.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then when my son was younger and he had some test anxiety before school, he\u2019d try it. Then I started telling my clients and students about it, and they were responding and saying, \u201cHey, I really found that that was very effective.\u201d Then some other clients will take a little CBD oil now. There\u2019s a whole array of different things.<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s a lot of herbs and foods and many things that can be found in nature that I put in the book that people could just try out and work in. When I was working overnights sometimes, working in production, a lot of people would put cherries in their smoothies because they felt like the natural melatonin helped take the edge off and make them not be so stressed when things were stressful at work.<\/span><\/p>\n

I tried to get a collection of things that you could work into your diet, maybe work into your breakfast, things that you could take immediately before maybe a big speech, an audition or an interview, or that you could just maybe make part of good healthy eating habits throughout the week that tend to just make us be a little bit calmer in our body, mind, and spirit throughout our days and nights. I think I got some nice little nuggets in there.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Then again, just to make it personal, because I\u2019m curious\u2014which is your go-to move for you, personally?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>My go-to move. I definitely, when I make my smoothies in the morning, I almost always have nice, sweet dark cherries. That\u2019s definitely part of my daily regimen I would say. I always have lemon balm on me. It\u2019s always in my bag. I have it not only just for myself, but sometimes if I want to give it to a client or I want to tell people about it or share it with them. I love that one.<\/span><\/p>\n

I would also say that tea, I\u2019m a definitely a tea junkie. There are many different teas that I talk about in there. I find it to be extremely like a relaxing ritual, where I can pick what type of herbal tea I want in there. But there\u2019s something about the making it, the warmth, and when I decide to have it, and then the quiet that I take along with it when I remove myself from the world and have my tea moment. That\u2019s always been a big one since I had tea in my Tony the Tiger cup when I was a kid growing up.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS:<\/b> OK, I just got two final questions for you here, Patricia. Here\u2019s the first one: Let\u2019s say I want to help someone I\u2019m with feel more confident with me. I want to help them relax, I want to just give them, \u201cYou can just be really confident with me here.\u201d What would I do?<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS:<\/b> First, I would say, \u201cOK, let\u2019s just stop everything that we\u2019re doing right now. Now, just take a deep breath, and then hold it. Let\u2019s breathe it in for eight, let\u2019s hold it. And now let\u2019s release it very slowly. Breathe it in for four, hold it and then release it for eight.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

First, I would try to get them to control their breathing, to really get a hold of that. Then I would ask them, \u201cWhat\u2019s the worst that can happen right now? Let\u2019s go to worst-case scenario right now.\u201d If worst-case scenario isn\u2019t death, and dying for you at that moment, then anything else has less of a price on it. So, let\u2019s gain our perspective now.<\/span><\/p>\n

First, get that breath, get yourself centered, and now really just think about that perspective. A lot of my clients who were getting extremely nervous on stage or in front of the camera, I\u2019ll say, \u201cThink about right now\u2014where would you rather be? Would you rather be dealing with this very stressful, nerve-racking situation where your heart\u2019s pounding? Or would you rather be at the deathbed of a loved one?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I know that\u2019s a horrible comparison, but let\u2019s really put things to perspective right here, where would you rather be? Of course, they all say, \u201cWell, certainly right here.\u201d I said, all right. Then this isn\u2019t that bad. Let\u2019s put that perspective in there, and now that we\u2019ve controlled our breathing, let\u2019s clear our mind, let\u2019s get some perspective, and now, you\u2019re probably thinking, \u201cWhat can go wrong?\u201d Because that\u2019s a wonderful defense mechanism that we\u2019ve all used to try to protect ourselves, is \u201cI\u2019m going to visualize the very worst that can happen here, because I need to protect myself in case that happens.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, we\u2019ve got to flip that. Get that breath, put things in perspective, calm yourself down the best that you can, and now focus on what do you want to have happen, and what is your plan to make that happen? If you don\u2019t have a plan, let\u2019s think of a plan right now. What are we going to do right now to try to get the result that we need? What\u2019s going to be A, B, and C?<\/span><\/p>\n

Now, instead of worrying about what could possibly go wrong, just focus on your plan. What do you want to do? How do you want to see it go? How do you want to see it go right? Now, focus on that plan. If you can, try to think to yourself\u2014is this something you\u2019re doing for selfish reasons? Or what is your purpose here? Do you have a purpose here that can help others in some way or benefit others and be of service to others in some way? If the answer to that is yes\u2014and hopefully it is, for most things that we\u2019re doing in our lives\u2014now focus on that, and get yourself out of the way, and go outward; focus on others and how you can be of service and be of value for them; and try to let yourself go, and get out of your own way.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>That\u2019s beautiful and really helpful and naturally leads into the final question I want to ask you. Because you talk about how we all have an inner critic that is a confidence killer, but we also have an inner coach. Right here for this person, they\u2019ve got their plan, they\u2019re going forward. What might their inner coach sound like? Because I think a lot of us, we really know the sound of our inner critic, but we\u2019re not that familiar with what our inner coach might say to us.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>I would say, think of someone in your life, maybe it was a teacher, or a coach or a mentor, or that favorite beloved aunt or parent or friend, someone that you know you could trust that was your biggest fan, that would only want to see great things for you and always somehow knew what the right thing to say was. That is what your inner coach should sound like.<\/span><\/p>\n

Because if you\u2019re getting to the point where [\u2026] you can trust yourself, hopefully you also can learn over your lifetime how to like yourself, and hopefully even love yourself. If there is a part of you that likes and loves yourself, even just a little, that\u2019s the part of you that should be your inner coach. That should say to you, \u201cLook, you can do this, you\u2019re a great person. You want to help others, you want to do good, you want to be good, and you can do this, just like anybody else in the world can do this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

This has always blown my mind that we all have a different fingerprint. No one before you has ever had this fingerprint; no one after you will ever have the same fingerprint. So, put your own personal stamp on everything that you do, no one can touch this life and others the way that you can with your personal stamp and your personal fingerprint.<\/span><\/p>\n

Talk to yourself like that, because then you\u2019re not going to compare and despair; then you\u2019re not going to be worried what other people are going to think, because you\u2019re here to be you and to do something that you are meant to do. If you are trying to be genuine, and you\u2019re trying to be authentic, and you care, and you really care, and you really do want to help, you have to talk to yourself and remind yourself of that. Because the inner critic will tell you every reason why you can\u2019t and why you\u2019re not those things. But the inner critic\u2014it\u2019s almost like that old analogy of the devil\/angel, and those two voices absolutely are in all of our minds.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve met people that have had enormous success and fame and wealth and you name it. When they are growing or doing something they\u2019ve never done before, you better believe that inner critic comes out and it\u2019s not going to go away. But that doesn\u2019t mean we have to listen to it. That doesn\u2019t mean that we have to take direction from it. It means that that\u2019s when we then have to start talking to ourselves rather than listening. You\u2019re making an active choice to talk to yourself as that coach that cares and values yourself, rather than listening to the negativity and that inner critic that\u2019s like the squatter in the back of the mind that is always going to be there. But we can override it with our inner coach.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>I\u2019ve been speaking with Patricia Stark. She\u2019s a communications and public speaking coach, a media trainer, and the author of the new book, <\/span>Calmfidence: How to Trust Yourself, Tame Your Inner Critic, and Shine in Any Spotlight<\/span><\/i>.<\/span> Patricia, thank you so much. Thank you so much for bringing forth your gifts to help other people bring forth theirs. Thank you.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS: <\/b>Thank you so much, Tami. I\u2019m so grateful for this time with you.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TS: <\/b>Thank you for listening to <\/span>Insights at the Edge<\/span><\/i>. You can read a full transcript of today\u2019s interview at SoundsTrue.com\/Podcast. And, if you\u2019re interested, hit the Subscribe button in your podcast app. Also, if you feel inspired, head to iTunes and leave <\/span>Insights at the Edge<\/span><\/i> a review. I love getting your feedback, being in connection with you, and learning how we can continue to evolve and improve our program. Working together, I believe we can create a kinder and wiser world. SoundsTrue.com: waking up the world.<\/span><\/p>\n

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