Kristin Neff: The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion

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September 17, 2019

Kristin Neff: The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff September 17, 2019

Kristin Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas and the author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. With Sounds True, she has recently published the audio program The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Kristin about why it’s so difficult for so many people to treat themselves with actual compassion. Kristin explains that self-compassion is not some form of self-indulgence or excuse for bad behavior; indeed, there are actually various forms of self-compassion that arise in different situations. Tami and Kristin explore the roots of wrathful or angry self-compassion, including the mythological figures that embody this concept. Finally, they discuss the most common blocks to self-assertive compassion and the necessity of taking occasional “self-compassion breaks” to cultivate a better relationship within. (64 minutes)

Kristin Neff, PhD, is an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. She is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, conducting the first empirical studies on self-compassion more than twenty years ago. She has been recognized as one of the most influential researchers in psychology worldwide. Kristin runs the Self-Compassion Community, an online learning platform where people can learn the skill of self-compassion with the help of others. She is author of the bestselling books Self-Compassion and Fierce Self-Compassion. Along with her colleague Chris Germer, she developed the empirically-supported Mindful Self-Compassion program and co-founded the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. They co-wrote the best-selling “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook” and have a new book called “Mindful Self-Compassion for Burnout” coming out in Fall 2024

For more info go to self-compassion.org.

Author photo © Bonnita Postma

Listen to Tami Simon's in-depth audio podcast interview with Kristin Neff:

The Liberating Power of Self-Compassion »
The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion

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The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion

Yin and Yang of Self Compassion by Kristin Neff Blog Header Photo

The concept of yin and yang is a perfect metaphor for the energies of self-compassion. Most people are familiar with the circle of yin and yang, black and white halves and a dot of each in between. The yin is the dark energy; it’s supposed to be more feminine, more of a passive energy, more the “being with.” And the white⁠—or yang⁠—is supposedly the more active energy, the masculine energy, doing things that make a change. But really these energies are not male or female, these energies are in every single person and actually all life forms.

A lot of these ideas come from Chris Germer—my close colleague, who developed the Mindful Self-Compassion program with me—and the things we have been talking about for a long time. And to give him credit, Chris actually⁠ came up with the idea that the main domains of yang self-compassion are protecting ourselves, providing ourselves with what we need, and motivating ourselves. What I have been doing with this model is developing each of these ideas in more detail.

Readers may know there are three basic components of self-compassion:

  • Kindness⁠—being kind to ourselves
  • Common Humanity⁠—remembering this is part of life
  • Mindfulness⁠—being mindful of our struggle or pain

And so these three components of kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness take a different form, they feel different, and they have a different flavor depending on what form the self-compassion is taking.

For instance, when self-compassion is aimed at protecting ourselves, it feels like fierce, empowered clarity. The kindness is fierce: that’s the Momma Bear, “No! That is not OK. You will go no further.” Common humanity, that’s that “me too” feeling. We stand together with our brothers and sisters in strength, we are empowered by our connection with others. And then the mindfulness is that real sense of clarity, that “This is not OK.” So it’s a difference between loving, connected presence, and fierce, empowered clarity.

It feels different when you are providing for yourself, when you’re giving yourself what you truly, authentically need. In this case, the kindness feels very fulfilling and satisfying. When we give ourselves what we need, we feel fulfilled. With common humanity, we recognize that it’s a balanced way; in other words, we don’t just give to ourselves, and we don’t subordinate our needs to those of others, but we’re balanced. Common humanity allows us to balance our needs with others. And then mindfulness gives us a real sense of authenticity: “What do I need? Do I even know what I need?” When self-compassion is in full bloom while we are providing for our needs, it manifests as fulfilling, balanced authenticity. Again, it feels very different.

And last, if we’re motivating ourselves, kindness in motivation comes out as encouragement. It’s not kindness when someone needs to be motivated and they’re stuck, to just say, “Oh well, that’s fine.” Or to ourselves, if we aren’t feeling happy, to say, “Oh, that’s fine.” Kindness means we don’t criticize ourselves; we don’t call ourselves names, but we say “You can do it! I believe in you!” Kindness is a very encouraging quality. Common humanity kind of sees how things are related to each other. It actually comes from the bigger view of interdependence—the causes and conditions that come together to create our suffering. So, when we motivate ourselves, common humanity actually manifests as wisdom. We can see where we’re stuck, why we’re stuck, what mistakes we made—we kind of understand the bigger picture of what’s happening. And then, mindfulness, in this case, is vision. It gives us the vision to see what we need to change in order to help ourselves. So in this case, kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness feels like encouraging, wise vision.

Let me give an example of this last domain. If you care about yourself and you don’t want to suffer, you’re going to want to make needed changes. You’re going to want to reach your goals. You’re going to want to be your best self. I mean, just like a parent wants that for their child, we want that for ourselves. Also we shouldn’t beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up. Because, again, if we remember that the reason we do it, the reason maybe if you’ve ever been hard on yourself, is because you want to be safe and you want to be happy. And there’s a part of you that thinks maybe this will help. If you’re really harsh on yourself, maybe you’ll pay attention and remember and do something different. It’s natural, but it’s just not very effective, right?

So if you think about it, what voice is more effective? A voice telling you how bad you are, who’s belittling you, who’s really mean? Or a voice that’s encouraging, supportive, “You can do it”? We’re going to listen more to that encouraging and supportive voice. We’re also going to be able to take in what that voice is saying more readily than a voice who’s just shutting us down.

There’s a wisdom element, too. Self-compassion taps into constructive criticism.

What mistakes did I make?

How can I do it better next time?

That’s a caring, understanding, compassionate approach. What self-criticism tends to do, is it just gives us not very wise information. Just like, “You’re bad. You did it wrong. Do it better next time.” It doesn’t say what to do differently or how to do it differently. Or it doesn’t see the bigger picture of all the causes and conditions that led to this outcome. That’s actually pretty lousy information. Kindness, on the other hand, yields a kind of wisdom. “Oh, I see. I did this. Maybe I can try this different next time and that would lead to a better effect.” It’s actually much more informational to give wise encouragement as opposed to the belittling name-calling.

Then also, the thing about having the vision. What we know—actually you probably know this from positive psychology, is that negative emotions tend to narrow our focus. It limits what we can see. We only see what we did wrong and how we’re wrong. We can’t actually see possibilities because the negative emotion actually has the function, evolutionarily actually, of narrowing our vision. Positive emotions—kindness, safety, warmth—they have the effect of broadening our perspective so that we can have a larger vision so that we can see the possibilities so that we might get an idea of, “Oh, I can try this. This may really work better for me.” The research we’ve done really backs up that this kind of encouraging, wise voice of compassionate motivation is actually much more effective and more sustainable in motivating ourselves to change.

This is an excerpt from the Insights at the Edge podcast episode with Kristin Neff, author of The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion: Cultivating Kindness and Strength in the Face of Difficulty.

Kristin Neff, PhD, is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin and a practitioner in the Insight Meditation tradition. She is the author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. A true pioneer in the field, over 15 years ago she first identified self-compassion as a measurable trait, and now there are over 2000 published studies on its benefits. Kristin is a cofounder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, and gives talks and teaches workshops on self-compassion worldwide. In addition to her research, she has developed an eight‑week program to teach self‑compassion skills called Mindful Self-Compassion. The program, co‑created with her colleague Chris Germer, has been taken by tens of thousands of people worldwide. Kristin and Chris recently co-authored The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, an immediate bestseller. Learn more at self-compassion.org.

Listen to The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion today!

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Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion Kristin Neff Pinterest

Kristin Neff: The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas and the author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. With Sounds True, she has recently published the audio program The Yin and Yang of Self-Compassion. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Kristin about why it’s so difficult for so many people to treat themselves with actual compassion. Kristin explains that self-compassion is not some form of self-indulgence or excuse for bad behavior; indeed, there are actually various forms of self-compassion that arise in different situations. Tami and Kristin explore the roots of wrathful or angry self-compassion, including the mythological figures that embody this concept. Finally, they discuss the most common blocks to self-assertive compassion and the necessity of taking occasional “self-compassion breaks” to cultivate a better relationship within. (64 minutes)

Kristin Neff: The Liberating Power of Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff is a professor of human development and culture at the University of Texas and a practitioner of Buddhist meditation. The book and documentary The Horse Boy chronicle Kristin and her family’s extraordinary journey to help her autistic son. With Sounds True, Kristin has created the audio program Self-Compassion Step by Step, which includes clinical evidence of the importance of self-compassion along with techniques and exercises for cultivating this pivotal quality. In this interview, Tami Simon and Kristin talk about the vital distinction between self-esteem and self-compassion, three pillars of self-compassion, ‘self-compassion breaks,’ and the importance of recognizing our common humanity during difficulties that feel unique and isolating. (68 minutes)

Tami’s Takeaway
In any moment of self-criticism or self-blame, a “go-to move” that is immediately effective and state-changing is to gently touch your arm, stroke your face, or place your hand on your heart (any form of soothing touch). This activates our mammalian “tend and befriend” system, releases oxytocin, and shifts us out of the threat-defense system. Try it next time you feel self-critical. Gently touching your body can shift your state of mind—fast!

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Healing Trauma and Building A Resilient Life

Trauma has a way of leaving a mark by quietly shaping how we move through the world, touch joy, and weather pain. For many, it takes the form of upheaval that knocks the ground out from beneath us, or a subtle ache that lingers long after others have moved on. The journey of healing from trauma can feel overwhelming and, at times, incredibly lonely. Yet there is wisdom in remembering you are not alone.

At Sounds True, we’ve made it our mission to share spiritual teachings that illuminate the path from suffering toward wholeness. We believe in meeting pain with heart, honesty, and compassion, leaning into difficult truths while holding fast to hope and inner strength. In this exploration of how to overcome trauma, we’ll draw from timeless spiritual insights and modern approaches, honoring the resilience within each of us.

Key Takeaways:

  • Trauma’s Lasting Imprint on Body, Mind, and Spirit: Trauma shows up in physical tension, mental patterns, and spiritual disconnection. Recognizing these imprints is the first step toward healing from trauma.
  • Knowing When and Where to Seek Support: Signs like overwhelm, persistent flashbacks, or deep isolation reveal when extra care is needed. True companions in trauma recovery offer empathy, patience, consistency, and safety. A solid support network may include trusted friends who respect boundaries, family members who listen compassionately.
  • Mindfulness, Movement, and Somatic Routines That Restore Balance: Gentle practices, breathwork, mindful meditation, and somatic approaches help calm the nervous system and guide you in overcoming traumatic experiences with grounded resilience.

Explore The Emotional Healing Connection

How Trauma Shapes the Body, Mind, and Spirit

Trauma often plants itself deep within us, sending ripples that touch our bodies, thoughts, and sense of meaning. These echoes can become roadblocks that make achieving goals feel daunting and growth seem out of reach. By exploring how trauma affects the body, mind, and spirit, we begin to see why healing from trauma requires patience, compassion, and an integrated approach.

The Body Remembers

Trauma can take root in the body, sparking fight, flight, or freeze responses long after the original event has passed. A racing heart, clenched jaw, or tense shoulders may surface without warning. Fatigue, headaches, and restlessness are also common, as they are physical reminders of the story the body still carries. These signals are not signs of weakness; they are the nervous system’s way of seeking safety. Over time, unaddressed patterns can weigh heavily, making everyday tasks or long-term goals feel nearly impossible.

The Mind Holds the Story

As for the mind, trauma often reshapes the way we see ourselves and the world. Hypervigilance can keep us braced for danger even in safe spaces. At other times, numbness may settle in, leaving us cut off from our feelings. Thoughts can spiral into shame, self-blame, or confusion. These mental loops act like barriers, clouding focus and blocking progress toward the life we long to create. Healing begins when we notice these patterns with curiosity, kindness, and a willingness to practice trauma recovery step by step.

The Spirit Feels the Weight

Trauma can also dim the spirit, shaking our sense of meaning and belonging. Disconnection may show up as a loss of trust in life, difficulty accessing hope, or a lingering feeling of isolation. Spiritual wounds often leave us adrift, as though the light within has gone out. Yet within this pain lies the possibility of rediscovery. By tending to the spirit, we create space for renewal, resilience, and a deeper connection to purpose.

Types of Trauma and Where They Stem From

Trauma does not take a single form, but rather it arises from many experiences, each carrying its own weight and ripple effects. Here are some types of trauma and where they originate from:

  • Acute trauma: A single event such as an accident, natural disaster, or sudden loss.
  • Chronic trauma: Repeated exposure to distressing experiences like ongoing abuse or neglect.
  • Complex trauma: Multiple, layered experiences that compound over time, often in early life.
  • Generational trauma: Pain and patterns carried through families and communities across generations.
  • Secondary or vicarious trauma: Emotional residue absorbed from witnessing or supporting others in their suffering.

Signs You Might Need Extra Support

Sometimes, despite our best intentions, the journey through trauma leaves us feeling isolated and overwhelmed. Healing is rarely linear, and even the most steadfast hearts sometimes need a guide or a helping hand. But how do you know when to reach outside yourself for extra support? Here are some signs that reaching for extra trauma recovery support may be helpful:

  • Daily life feels unmanageable: Struggling with eating, sleeping, or maintaining routines can signal that your system is carrying more than it can process alone.
  • Emotions feel unrelenting: Persistent sadness, anxiety, sudden waves of anger, or a lingering sense of numbness may point to unresolved pain seeking acknowledgment.
  • Flashbacks and intrusive memories appear: Past experiences may surface vividly, interrupting present-moment focus and draining emotional energy.
  • Hopelessness takes hold: A growing belief that life cannot change or that joy feels out of reach often indicates the need for compassionate guidance.
  • Trust feels fragile: Difficulty relying on loved ones or believing others have your best interest at heart can deepen feelings of isolation.
  • Unhealthy coping becomes a default: Turning to excessive screen time, substance use, or withdrawal from relationships may bring temporary relief but create long-term barriers to growth.
  • Connection feels impossible: Even when surrounded by friends or family, a sense of disconnection or shrinking inner world can leave you feeling unseen.

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Mindfulness and Meditation to Soothe the Nervous System

When life’s turbulence shakes us, our nervous system can linger in a state of high alert. After trauma, the body remembers. We might feel jumpy, restless, or stuck in spirals of anxiety. This is where mindfulness and meditation offer a gentle refuge. By returning to the present, these practices help soothe the nervous system and create space for resilience.

Returning to Presence Through Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of noticing what is happening here and now without judgment. Instead of forcing the mind to be quiet, mindfulness welcomes each breath, sensation, or thought with gentle awareness. A simple practice might include observing the rise and fall of the breath, or listening to surrounding sounds as they come and go. These small acts of presence remind the nervous system that safety exists in the present moment, easing the grip of fear and helping the body relax.

Meditation as Daily Restoration

Meditation builds on mindfulness by offering structure and repetition. Daily rituals—whether focusing on the breath, practicing loving-kindness, or walking with intention in nature—send steady messages of calm to the body and mind. Even five minutes of stillness can tell the nervous system, “You are safe now.” Over weeks and months, this repeated reassurance creates new patterns of ease and resilience, contributing to the long process of healing from trauma.

Practical Strategies for Soothing the Nervous System

Trauma can make stillness feel impossible at times. On those days, gentle practices help create accessible entry points into mindfulness:

  • Grounding through breathwork: Slow, steady inhales and longer exhales remind the body that calm is available.
  • Body scans: Bringing attention to each area of the body, from toes to crown, allows hidden tension to surface and soften.
  • Loving-kindness meditation: Repeating compassionate phrases toward yourself and others can gradually replace self-criticism with warmth.
  • Mindful movement: Walking slowly, practicing yoga, or simply stretching with awareness anchors presence in physical sensation.
  • Sensory focus: Engaging with sights, sounds, or textures in the environment creates steady anchors in the present moment.

Building a Compassionate Support Network

The path of healing from trauma often feels heavy, yet connection can ease the weight. A compassionate support network provides steady encouragement, safe presence, and spaces where your voice is honored. These relationships help you take steps forward in trauma recovery, reminding you that resilience grows through shared care.

Who Can Be Part of a Compassionate Support Network

The work of healing from trauma often grows stronger in the presence of safe and caring relationships. For example, friends who listen without judgment, family members who honor your boundaries, and mentors who embody guidance can all help restore a sense of belonging. In these connections, you find people who hold space for your story rather than rushing to fix it.

During trauma recovery, collective spaces such as support groups or spiritual communities can also serve as anchors. Shared rituals, honest conversations, and circles of empathy create reminders that you are not walking the path alone. Professional guidance from therapists and counselors adds another layer of care, bringing compassionate expertise and tools that help you process pain in fruitful ways.

When Compassion Is Missing from Relationships

On the journey of healing from trauma, recognizing who can walk beside you is as vital as noticing who cannot. While many people bring kindness, patience, and steadiness, some may unintentionally add weight to your healing. Some dismiss or minimize your experiences, leaving you feeling unheard. Others pressure you to “move on” before you are ready, or turn the focus back to themselves rather than honoring your story. These dynamics often carry judgment, criticism, or a disregard for the boundaries you need to feel safe.

During trauma recovery, awareness of these patterns matters. By noticing which relationships drain rather than restore, you protect your energy and open more space for trust and resilience. The process of overcoming traumatic experiences involves surrounding yourself with people who create safety rather than erode it, who offer presence instead of pressure, and who remind you through their actions that your healing is worthy of time.

Explore The Emotional Healing Connection

Somatic Approaches That Help Release Stress and Trauma

The body often carries what words cannot express. Tight shoulders, a clenched jaw, or an unsettled chest remind us that trauma leaves traces in our physical form as well as in memory. Somatic practices recognize this truth by inviting the body into the process of healing from trauma. Through gentle attention, movement, and breath, the nervous system can rediscover balance, offering a grounded path forward in trauma recovery.

Everyday Somatic Practices That Restore Balance

Somatic approaches bridge the mind and body through awareness of sensation. Simple routines such as body scanning, slow yoga, or tai chi invite you to notice where tension resides and allow it to soften. Breathwork, with its steady rhythm of inhaling and exhaling, anchors presence and quiets lingering agitation.

Even small gestures like placing a hand over your heart or humming softly can serve as reminders that calm is within reach. Over time, these rituals shift the body from storing pain toward cultivating safety and resilience, helping you continue overcoming traumatic experiences with steadier ground beneath you.

Learning Somatic Wisdom Through Sounds True

For those ready to explore these practices in greater depth, Sounds True offers a wealth of teachings through audiobooks and courses. These resources feature teachers who guide you in somatic routines designed to reconnect body and mind.

From step-by-step instruction in breathwork to explorations of mindful movement, the catalog brings both accessible practices and deeper study into your daily life. With consistent practice, these teachings open the door to a body that feels less like a container for stress and more like a sanctuary for healing. In this way, Sounds True extends compassionate tools for your journey of trauma recovery.

Final Thoughts

Overcoming trauma shouldn’t be about erasing the past or pretending pain never touched your life. Instead, this journey should be about learning to hold your story with tenderness and watching as spirit slowly reshapes wounds into strength. At Sounds True, we have witnessed again and again how resilience rises when pain is met with kindness, curiosity, and courage.

You are never meant to walk this road alone. Wisdom flows from spiritual teachers, trusted friends, and guides who create spaces of safety. With these companions beside you, the process of overcoming traumatic experiences becomes less about carrying a burden and more about uncovering a wellspring of resilience. In this unfolding, a life that feels grounded, heart-led, and true begins to take form.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Overcoming Trauma

What are the common symptoms of trauma?

Trauma can show up in countless ways, both visible and invisible. You might notice flashbacks, nightmares, or trouble sleeping. Some people feel anxious or on edge, avoiding reminders of what happened, or having frequent mood swings. Others experience physical symptoms like unexplained aches, a racing heart, or stomach distress. Remember, every response is valid, and trauma shapes us all differently.

What is PTSD, and how is it related to trauma?

PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, is a specific diagnosis that can develop after a traumatic event. It’s marked by symptoms like re-experiencing the trauma, intense emotional distress, hypervigilance, and avoidance of triggers. While not everyone who experiences trauma will get PTSD, the two are intimately connected. PTSD offers a clinical lens, but any struggle after trauma is worth honoring and addressing.

Are there self-help strategies for overcoming trauma?

Absolutely. Healing starts with small, gentle steps. Mindful breathing, grounding exercises, movement, and connecting with supportive people can all help. Journaling, spending time in nature, or practicing self-compassion are other powerful tools. You don’t have to climb the mountain in one day. Small acts of self-care can make a transformative difference over time.

What types of therapy are effective for trauma?

Several therapies have been shown to support trauma recovery. Approaches like somatic experiencing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), trauma-informed cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and Internal Family Systems (IFS) can all be effective. Sometimes, simply being in the presence of a compassionate, skilled therapist. no matter the modality, makes the most impact.

What role does mindfulness play in healing trauma?

Mindfulness gently invites us back into our bodies, one breath at a time. It helps us notice our feelings and sensations with curiosity instead of judgment. Practices like meditation, mindful movement, or even mindful walking can foster safety and presence, making space for healing to unfold gradually and organically.

Can medication help with trauma recovery?

For some, medication can offer relief, especially when symptoms like anxiety or depression feel overbearing. While medication isn’t a cure, it can be a valuable companion alongside therapy and self-care, helping to regulate your nervous system while you rebuild inner strength. Always consult with a caring, qualified provider to explore what’s right for you.

Is it normal to feel numb or disconnected after trauma?

Of course. Feeling numb, detached, or even like you’re outside your own body is a common trauma response. Your mind and body are trying to protect you from pain. Over time, and with the right support, these feelings can soften. Be gentle with yourself; numbness often signals that you’re surviving the best way you know how.

What are healthy ways to express emotions related to trauma?

Validation is the first step, and letting yourself feel whatever arises is brave work. Creative outlets like art, music, or movement can help give shape to complex emotions. Talking with trusted friends, therapists, or support groups can bring connection and relief. Most importantly, honor your own pace, as there’s no right or wrong way to express what you carry.

Michelle Cassandra Johnson is an author, activist, spiritual teacher, racial equity consultant, and intuitive healer. She is the author of six books, including Skill in Action and Finding Refuge. Amy Burtaine is a leadership coach and racial equity trainer. With Robin DiAngelo, she is the coauthor of The Facilitator's Guide for White Affinity Groups. For more, visit https://www.michellecjohnson.com/wisdom-of-the-hive.

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Richard “Dick” Schwartz earned his PhD in marriage and family therapy from Purdue University. He coauthored the most widely used family therapy text in the United States, Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods, and is the creator of the Internal Family Systems Model, which he developed in response to clients’ descriptions of various “parts” within themselves. With Sounds True, Dick has written a new book titled No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon talks to Dick about the transformation that occurs when we welcome every part of who we are. He explains that even our most destructive parts have protective intentions, put in place to shield us from unprocessed pain, and details his method for accessing and mending these inner wounds. They also discuss the myth of the “mono mind,” and why the mind is naturally multiple; how “exiled” trauma can manifest as bodily pain; connecting with our core Self and letting it lead us in our healing; and how the language of “parts” can be useful in our relationship dynamics.

This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listeners of Insights At The Edge get 10% off their first month at www.betterhelp.com/soundstrue.

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